Mystery Solved! or How I Met Yo Mama

we FINALLY have a confession!

remember the time some mystery person wrote a comment on my blog? it said something about a birthday, which threw me into a befuddled state because i'm usually so good with birthdays, but i didn't know whose birthday i was missing? 'member? 'member?!?

well, while i was away i received this email:



followed by this email:




so, double ha! not only did i NOT forget a birthday (because my cousin's birthday is on the 12th, not the 16th) but i now don't have to go crazy over the anonymous nature of the posting.

i win! i'm the winner!

of course, it's not about who won (me) or lost (you). it's about the fact that sometimes in life, we are rewarded in the most superfluous ways.

for instance, maybe i did the universe a favor and punched someone who was being annoying. and to balance out this random act of kindness, i then received the knowledge of who wrote anonymously on my blog.

see? the system works.

Brain Rack or Ultimate Nap Time

the other day, i came home, and i had actual mail. i was SO excited to be receiving personal mail items in this the week of my birth. eagerly, i tore into the pretty envelopes and was confronted by....

1. a bridal shower invitation

2. a save the date for an upcoming wedding

now, don't get me wrong, i am actually happy to be participating in these events. but i am currently less than twelve hours away from turning 26, and it's a little depressing to be reminded about how other people in the world aren't going to die alone. i mean, my parents already had a kid by my age, (her name is mara) and what have i done?



exactly.

i can't even blog on a daily basis, even though it would really annoy my sister, and if that isn't motivation, what is, i ask you?

so. even though my life is crap and sugarless, i have decided to make some goals for the upcoming (enter some amount of time).

GOALS

a.

okay, i'm having trouble coming up with any goals. does one have to have passion about something in order to have goals? where is my drive? all i want to do is take a nap, but that doesn't seem likely at this point (although there is a couch in the hallway for some reason...). why can't i think of life improvements for myself and/or others? what's the deal?

let's slow down. maybe i should start with small goals that i've had for awhile, like obtain fame (not the musical, but of the "and fortune" variety). or buying a fainting goat.



you know, this doesn't seem to be working.

hm....

alright, i've got it.

GOALS

a. sort out life

yeah, i'll let you know how it goes.

This is Not a Pipe or An Afternoon Chat

oh. hello there. no, no, you aren't interrupting, come on in. really, i insist. don't be shy, come on. that's better.

what? oh, i know, you haven't seen me around much lately....

oh, no! nothing like that, i guess i've just been coping with this crazy thing called life, you know?

yeah? well tell me what's been going on with you.

really?

really?! but you're okay now, right? huh. sorry to hear that....what, me? no, no, i couldn't. i'm kinda afraid of heights, you know?

well, i don't know if i should go into that now. i mean, are you asking because you really want to know or because you feel obligated to do so?

shit, don't get offended! it's a fair question. some people just ask to ask, you know?

don't look at me like that.

no i'm not! i just don't want to waste my breath, you know? if you don't really....hey! how'd that thing go last week?

no, the other thing. with the little guys?

to shreds, you say? that's a shame. anyway, i hate to be rude, but i have to go back to work now.

oh, i know, it's work, work, work all the time these days....

well, you COULD. you just never apply yourself.

what?

fine, but only three.

the answer is obviously yes to that.

only in the afternoons.

hm...that's a hard one.....i guess i'd have to say....spandex. yellow, at best. okay, so i'll see you later, right?

thanks.

you too.

bye-bye now.

Help! or The Trouble with Interns

personally, i thought the point of interns was to make those of us at the bottom of the ladder feel like we have power over something (anything) at all. i mean, when i was an intern (over six months ago) i did any mundane job thrown at me, and i did it with a smile, dammit! i mean, i guess i still do every mundane job thrown at me, but i'm certainly not smiling now....

our interns are not so obliging. for one, they refuse to do any of the menial tasks that are below the rest of us. i mean, sure, working as part of an assembly line to compile departmental folders is really REALLY boring:

but somebody needs to do it! hell, i'd do it myself if one of the interns would answer my phone while i did them, but they don't want to do that either.

another problem with our rogue interns is that they don't always show up for scheduled meetings. michelle scheduled a time for a couple of our interns to help her with something, and only one of them showed up. her excuse?

oh sorry. i forgot.

we're paying these people!!!!

and then there are the emails. i get emails from our interns (whose names have been deleted for their protection) like these:

and

i mean, come on! they talk to me as though they are in charge of what i should do. and the worst part is that I END UP DOING IT. what's up with that?

lastly, some of our interns don't realize that interning is, like, a job. this means that they have to show up when they are expected, every time. on multiple occasions, this has been a problem.

okay, i'm finished venting:




thanks for sticking by me in these troubling times. maybe as a reward, i won't kill you. (i'm sorry, i'm really jonesin for some processed sugar. it's making me irritable. okay, MORE irritable. )

only 24 more days to go....

The Love Letter

dear sugar,

i woke up this morning with a buzzing in my head. coming into consciousness, i felt i was missing something, and i wanted desperately to hold onto it, but i couldn't quite recall what it was.

it was you.

i miss you. i miss you like an amputee misses her leg (assuming that's the appendage she no longer has). i miss waking up and having you there, the way you were always waiting with a smile. you always called. you always wanted to hang out, and you never stood me up. not once.

and i know that this is my fault, that i'm the one who drove you away. i insisted upon it, even. you wanted to stay. you said you would never leave me, and you meant it. but i was stubborn. i turned my back on you, and now my head aches and my body yearns for your sweet, sweet goodness.

i see you everywhere i turn. when i open my fridge, you are there. walking down the street, you are there. i see your sticky goodness coating the lips of children everywhere i go, and i long for the half-crazed frenzied look in their eyes.

i remember those highs so well....

the thing is, i miss you. i know, i know, i let you go. and it's only been three days (three days!), but i still remember the way life looked when you were around. now, the colors are duller. people are duller. my life feels...empty.

i wish i could have you back. i want to open my arms and ask you to jump into them. i want to let myself be human and ask you to return to me. but....

i can't.

there's too much at stake. so, i have to be strong, sugar. i have to say no to all of the sweetness and happiness you bring me. i have to accept this terrible headache that has been persisting over the past few days.

i will still smell you on the wind, and when i do, i will close my eyes, inhale deeply, and think:

cinnabon
haagen dasz
that fake maple syrup which is actually made from corn syrup
chocolate in all of its magnificent forms

i will remember you. please, please don't forget me....


love always,
erin