First Day of My Life or A Conversation with Matthew

My dearest Erin-

I have drafted this note to you in order to tell you that I'm quitting my life and moving to Hogwarts. I'm tired of my boring life that involves me moving papers around, shipping things to people, socializing with people I dont really care for, and drinking. Well, let's hope Hogwarts has some great booze, otherwise I'm not going. Now, I know what you're thinking! This is why I decided to email you and inform you of this decision. Yes! A million times YES! You are MORE than welcome to join me on this adventure. In fact I hope you do, for that train ride looks scary and I don't want to do it alone. Think of it you + me + magic!

Now, comes the part where we have to decide which type of wizards' we want to be.  I am shedding this life and with it, my personality (why are you applauding?).  So I'm up for suggestions on what type of person to be in the future.  All I know is that I don't want to be the red headed one.  For I do not like red heads.  Except the one from Will and Grace, she's pretty.  Enough!  That was our old life, no more referencing reality tv shows, the friends we associated with, and a benefit to the both us: our past sexual escapades! 

Dear Play Doh Boy,
I recognize your desire to get away from it all (especially the red
heads of the world), but really, do you think this is the best
solution? Hogwarts is a boarding school, so I'm sure there's more
cocaine than alcohol, and I know you don't like to be away from
absolut for too long.

 

Besides, I've seen the movies, and there only seems to be one or two

minorities (although the way Hermione's hair is, she's definitely got
some coffee in her milk), and now that you live in Harlem, methinks
you'll miss the colorful palette of humans and Nikes alike.

Alas, if you're set on going to Hogwarts, I'll of course go with you.
We'll join the Slytherins, and I shall shed my sunshiny demeanor and
torture people by feeding on their insecurities and making them cry
themselves to sleep at night. It'll be just like high school all over
again. I shall call you Mr. Biggems and you shall wear an eye patch.

Of course, there is still time to reconsider. Maybe instead, we should

move to Chicago and be on Dance TV with Sarah Jessica Parker....

Love,
Erin

Erin-

 

As I do in life quite often I have changed my mind.  Instead I think you and I shall become reality tv stars.  This way you get to be what you've always wanted to be: famous for no reason and I will get laaaaaid.

 

This way I can have cocaine AND alcohol for starters.  You know I can't live without my vices.  Also, you're right, a uniform everyday?  I'd go mad (Slytherin mad).  I definitely need a place where I can express my freedom and individuality with mass produced Nike's!

 

Now as far as our shedding the old identities and obtaining new ones this is perfect for reality tv.  Not only will the edit dept. decide what kind of people we should be I've put some thought into it also.  You can be the 'black woman who is bitter at the world for opressing her on so many different levels' and I'll be the 'Naive gay boy who doesn't understand why race is such a big deal, yet constantly mad at the world for thinking he is the typical gay (said with a lisp)'  However we find common ground in Dance Dance Revolution. End scene. 

Love,

Matthew

PDB-

The only problem is, I'm Blackish, not Black. They'll want that
"attitude" thing that Robert Townsend describes so well in his
masterpiece "Hollywood Shuffle,"

and we all know that deep down, I'm white, sadly. But that's what 

comes of growing up in Kansas. Wait! That's it! Our reality show 

shall be called Growing Up Kansan, and we'll watch as two Kansans 

(us) try to make it in the big city. That way, we don't actually have 

to go to Kansas, and we'll still get to be on TV. And maybe, just 

maybe, there will be cookies....

Sincerely,
Erin

Kansan Erin (for this is what we shall refer to one another during the show-no it's not awkward)-

 

I'm afriad, if there aren't cookies, I wont be doing anything!  Now, I did have this plan to make you 'blacker' and it was going to be a lot of fun (since it wont be happening I wont dangle all the fun in front of you then take it away but it did involve a lot of kentucky fried chicken and possibly a rental of a hummer with rims) 

This is going to work!  Now, do we know anyone in the entertainment, show producing, making random people famous arena?  No.  This could possibly be a problem.  However, at my job I've learned to be a 'solution thinking' individual.  I say we sleep with as many people as we possibly can and then we'll eventually sleep with someone who can help us.  This process can also include cookies.  Just fyi.  

Kansan Matthew

Kansan Matthew,

This sounds like the best plan I've heard all day. Now go. Go sleep

around! But careful not to get crumbs in the bed.

Love,

Kansan Erin

G Train or That's the Spot

so, even though i try to avoid it as much as possible, i went to brooklyn this weekend. going to brooklyn wasn't such a big deal this time, as i was going from manhattan, rather than queens. the hipsters and trendy, wealthy young families didn't notice as i slipped onto the train and snuck my way into fort green. so first crisis averted.

it wasn't until i was on the way back out that the great train debate began. do i take the a train back through manhattan and add an additional hour and a half to my journey? do i seek out the elusive g train and try for a straight shot into queens?

for those of you non-new yorkers who may not know, the g train goes back and forth between queens and brooklyn, effectively by-passing manhattan. the good thing about it is that it makes for a shorter journey. the bad thing about it is that this is purely theoretical.

since the g train doesn't go into manhattan, no one (e.g. manhattanites) cares about it, and so it only runs when, and strangely, where it feels like it. in fact, freud wrote extensively on how it doesn't even exist.

but the g train was actually discovered by whipple, and if you doubt its existence, you may just not be looking hard enough.

finding a g train station is the first hurdle in trying to actually take this train. it's kind of like in harry potter how the platform is hidden from site. only for the g train, it actually moves. so just because you may have caught a g train in one location previously in your life, it in no way guarantees that you will catch it there again. in fact, spotting a g train in the first place is likened to one of the most prodigious and unbelievable experiences in life:

but say you get beyond that first hurdle and you ACTUALLY discover one of these stations. then say that the train ACTUALLY comes to said station and ACTUALLY stops to pick you up. you may think that you're in the clear, but let me tell you, you aren't.

see, just because you get on the g train, it doesn't mean it's going to take you where you want to go. it doesn't even mean it's going to take you where it's supposed to go. no, seriously look:

note the dotted line. it sometimes goes to those places, and sometimes doesn't. and not on any schedule that i can figure out.

anyway, luck was with me this weekend, and the g train picked me up and dropped me in a place that was close enough for me to actually find my way home. and while that was nice, i'm in no way willing to endorse this train. i mean, i'm not even sure that it exists sometimes.

but for now, glide on the g train. oo yeah, ee yeah oo yeah. yes it's the g train. g train, holy roller....