Here Kitty, Kitty or OW! MY FINGERS!

so, for years now, my mom has been comparing me to a cat. why, you ask? simple.

1. i'm lazy
2. i like affection, but only when i want it, not when you want it.
3. i lay in the sun whenever i can.
4. many, many naps.
5. i bite.

these are just a few examples, but you get the point. i've decided that i'm more like a kitten. you know how kittens look all innocent and cute? and you say to yourself

awwww! how adorable! i should pick up that sweet little kitten and pet it and love it and kiss its fuzzy little head.




and then as soon as you reach for the little furball, it whips out its curved little sharp-ass fangs and claws and mauls you to death. and you say to yourself:

ahhhhh! the pain! THE PAIN! what was i thinking??

but then five minutes later you repeat the whole scenario again because it looks so darn cute?

yeah.

as many of you know, i'm into knitting. i knit things in straight lines, mainly, so scarves are a specialty of mine. but i also knit for charity, for babies nonetheless, so that when i get onto the subway with my large ball of fluffy yarn and my itsy bitsy knitting needles, people's eyes get all soft and they want to know what i'm making.

this is useful because people get up if they think you're an adorable little kitten, and they give you their seat.

or, today at lunch. i was knitting and eating with my co-workers. when you have that fluffy ball of yarn out, you get to say mean things, and people get confused. because:

plus

is supposed to equal



but for me, as the feisty little devil kitten that i am, it equals this instead:

oh the triumphs as feigning life as a good person. mwah-ha-ha!

Chained to the Desk or Carnival

shhh...you have to be quiet, as i'm not really supposed to be blogging.

i know, i know, it never stopped me before, but things around here really changed. just about the time my boss's stomach grew from basketball size to watermelon size, her temperament completely changed.


okay, i'm being lenient. she was mean before, it's just that now it's taken on astronomical proportions.



let me give you an example. right now, there is a fair going on in the street. no, really, there are blow up toys and booths and children laughing, and we were actually invited, but we can't go frolic about with the youngins because my boss won't let us.

not only that, but she OPENED THE WINDOW. now i get to hear how everyone else is having fun while i'm working on spreadsheets.

tisn't fair. pop out your baby already so i can have some cotton candy.

grrr.

Intermission

check out my mom's blog at:

http://helmsmindellmanagementconsulting.blogspot.com/

I Guess I'll Go Eat Worms or My Life as Compared to Buffy

i started out thinking that today i would compare my life to that book, alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and then possibly end the day by moving to australia:



okay, i already need to interrupt myself before i continue on to what i'm sure you can already tell will be a self-pitying, what does it all mean, my life is terrible, et. al. entry. did you know that alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day is a MUSICAL?! yeah, i know! i can't even believe it! crazy.



anyway, i was going to start out with an analogy linking the quite somber book to my life. it was going to be poetic and sincere, with just a touch of tragedy. but instead, i'm going to find another way to feel sorry for myself.

annoying things were happening today. examples?

i bit my tongue while i was showering (that's actually two bad things, as we all know that i hate showering)

i messed up the hat i was knitting for an unspecified baby

i had to talk to ira

i squirted soap all over my skirt while at work.

so, while i was trying to complain to some co-workers about my terrible day, they kept interrupting me! i mean, really? i'm whining here! i tried several times to run through my list of complaints about life, but i never got very far.

then i got a phone call from someone else who was also having not the greatest day. i listened sympathetically. i "tsk"-ed at the appropriate times. i "uh-huh"-ed and "those bastards"-ed when the times called for it.

and then i tried to actually speak a sentence.

this maneuver was my downfall, as i got interrupted mid-statement. is my voice not working today? can no one hear me? is this like that episode of buffy where no one can find willow and it turns out she's invisible? is it? IS IT?! because i don't want to have my skin eaten off by some creepy monster with a long tongue who probably has poor dental hygiene:



and the thing is, i've been feeling out of sorts a lot lately. i mean, who knows why. maybe it's because i've gone a few days without ice cream. or it might be that i haven't been taking my vitamins. more than likely, it's because when the slayer died (and subsequently came back to life), the equilibrium of the world was thrown off and now evil has seized upon its chance to take over the world.

and because of this. i have decided to speak louder and ruin everyone else's day as well. so, have fun talking to me....