I Will Resist! or Please Be My Friend

Hi. I’m Sean. Or, for the purposes of this blog and Erin’s life, Sean Standish. I know Erin from a mutual agreement we shared while in Boston. Some people mistakenly think we dated. These people, however, don’t know that Erin doesn’t actually date. She has certain needs – like someone to listen to her talk about how much she hates Boston, or a book from another room. I, as a person with both ears and legs and very little ability to think for myself, could fill these needs for her. In exchange, she would sometimes try to make a somewhat sincere effort to listen to my long, rambling stories for more than 15 seconds. This was very painful for her, and she rarely made it past 8 seconds without “I’m bored now. Why are you so boring?” or “Quiet now, TVs talking,” or “I can’t help but notice you’re not getting me ice cream.” But, to be fair, I wasn’t getting her ice cream because the last time I got her ice cream I had to walk through the snow in the freezing Boston winter to 12 different convenience stores to find one that had Triple Chocolate Chip Haagen Dazs (this was the favorite in the pre-Pomegranate Chip days) and when I finally returned with my fingers too numb to grip the two spoons I thought we needed, naturally assuming that we’d be sharing this delicious treat that I sacrificed my life for, I learned that this “sharing” was not part of our agreement.

So I was not, under any circumstance, getting her ice cream again. So, after I got back with the ice cream (she really needed it this time) she had moved on to checking her email and had lost interest in pretending she actually had interest in what I was talking about in the first place. Much like most of you now have. In fact, this is the only time she ever pretended to pay attention long enough for it to actually be caught on film.

Notice the pained look on Erin's face as she tries so hard to maintain focus.

So now you’re a little bit closer to Erin. Which, of course, is what she wanted anyway – I mean, when she invited me to be a guest blogger she clearly knew that I would tell some long, boring story and that you, as her devoted friends, would continue reading all the way through because its her blog and who among us wants to face the wrath of Erin if she finds out you’re not reading every one of her blog entries in their entirety. So it follows that she also knew that after the three excruciating minutes it takes you to read this, you would all come to her with an outpouring of empathy: “you had to live through that for over a year?! What are you, some sort of saint? Or god? Or godly saintly princess who can harness the patience of a cheetah on the prowl by sheer force of your godly, saintly, princessly will?” And for that, Erin, you’re welcome.

Anyway, when Erin asked me to write on her blog, I of course accepted the offer immediately. I mean, who wouldn’t want the honor of being published in such a prestigious place? But then I started to doubt myself. I mean, I’ve never done something like this before. I don’t have a blog. I don’t generally comment on blogs. I don’t even have a facebook account. Yes, I know. Who isn’t on facebook? Me, that’s who. I-I just said that, actually. C’mon, stay with me. So, no, I’m not on facebook. At first, this was borne of sheer laziness – I didn’t want to go through the 2-minute long process to sign up and then have to come up with descriptions of myself that could potentially be somewhat entertaining. Then, as I discovered that everyone else in the universe is on facebook, my resistance took the form of stubbornness. And I’m very stubborn. Obstinate, even. (I actually prefer ‘determined.’ I’m very determined.) But I was tested: “Why aren’t you on facebook, Sean? Its really cool, Sean. Don’t you want to be cool, Sean? Is it because you don’t have any friends, Sean? Because you smell bad and you’re ugly and people hate you…Sean?” Shut up!

They tried to wear me down, but I remained steadfast. It was an epic battle, one that desperately needed to be fought. At last, someone standing up to the massive community-driven greed for convenience. And I was winning. You want to stay in touch with your friends? Pick up a telephone! You want to stalk someone you haven’t seen in years? That’s what telephoto lenses are for! You want to do all this while playing magnificent games like Scrabulous or Risk or Fr---wait, they have Frogger? Hold on a minute.

No, this is not defeat. They have not worn me down. I just – I’ve made a terrible mistake. Facebook is not the enemy. Um. MySpace – yeah, that’s what we should be fighting against. Yes, this is a redeployment.

On a completely unrelated topic, I would like to offer you, the loyal readers of Erin’s blog, the very first opportunity to officially confirm (or establish) your friendship with me on my inspiring new Facebook page. I have decided entirely by myself – with no outside influences whatsoever

Go away! Stupid frog. What was I saying? Oh, I’ve decided to start my very own Facebook page. Apparently its quite popular – I just stumbled upon it myself. You should join – www.facebook.com – its very easy. I have to go now – I have a lot of, um, very important things to get done…I can’t even tell you what…that’s how important they are.