Dear Diary or Why I Won't Share My Ice Cream

okay, so, for years my friends have been encouraging me to start a blog. i mean, technically, they have been telling me to stop writing mass emails that nobody cares about and curb my narcissism in a way that would be easier for them to ignore.

regardless, tonight is the night that their dreams come true. yay! yay!

to be honest, i was reading my friend's blog (http://shakeitfool.blogspot.com/) and thought it was hilarious. i wanted to be hilarious, too, so i'm ripping off her blog site, her writing style, and her clever inclusions of pictures like this one:



i want to point out, however, that i did NOT completely rip annie off. for instance, her background is minimal black and mine has some sort of dots. (i may take the dots out, though. i really like her background....) and also, i don't live in san francisco, have friends, or use words larger than two syllables, if i can help it. also, i can't play the piano, but this isn't a damn contest, so quit judging me!

this is the point where everyone should feel sorry for me. that picture up there is actually a picture someone took of me whilst i ran to catch the bus. (i didn't make it.) not only am i the stinky cheese man, but i'm also boring myself. oh, and no one will be my friend because i won't share my ice cream. to be fair, no one in their right mind should want ice cream this time of year. also, this is the best ice cream.

it's very expensive. and i couldn't find it for a couple of weeks, and i panicked because, like the ferret that i am, i like to have a stock pile ready in case of ice cream emergencies. which are many. so, i looked up where to find it, bought forty dollars worth, and now i have extra sitting in my freezer. now, whenever i have house guests over, they think they get to eat it. i have to inform them that this is not the case, and they get snotty about how selfish i am. i don't think this is fair. i would gladly give my life's blood if it could be of use to a loved one (but don't ask me to do so. i spent enough time in haiti that i'm not allowed to give blood for something like two years. buon bagay!), but the ice cream is mine. if you want your own, you can find a retailer near you by clicking here

i'm suddenly reminded of the rainbow fish. remember that little guy? he was really pretty and all of his hideous sea-creature so-called "friends" wanted him to share his scales with them so they could be pretty, too. at first, he was, like, "shit no! what's wrong with you fools?" but then they all stopped playing with him, and he realized that it was better to share and have friends than to be selfish and have none. this story is stupid. in the beginning the rainbow fish looked like this:
isn't he pretty? wouldn't you just give anything to be his friend? now this is what he looks like after he shares his scales:


ew, right? who would want to be friends with THAT?! and you'll notice that he's still alone. why? because his friends took advantage of him, and after they depleted him of his scales, they ditched him because they were then too pretty to be seen with him.

so, basically, i refuse to share my ice cream because i don't want to turn into a terrible drawing by a four-year-old.

and that's why i'm sitting at home. alone.


UPDATE!!!!! by NOT Barret Mindell
I, ANONYMOUS, have broken into Erin's blog (fyi: she uses the same password for everything) so that the world could know the truth about this tyrannical ice cream hoarder! In short, Erin has finished the last of the COMMUNITY ice cream without bartering ANY of her precious Pomegranate Chip. She has amassed the largest, most valuable collection of Ice Cream outside of Haagen Dazs' Reserve! She taunts her guests and teases her roommate with nightly displays of gluttonous delight! But on this night she has gone too far! She has finished the vanilla bean, and left the freezer full of only her "do not touch" pints (and one other "Sharon's" pint but it's old and not very good anyway)! She leaves her brother without- he cries himself to sleep many nights... I imagine. I am not him. I am anonymous.
Do not offer her sympathy! Do not offer her understanding! Instead, direct all your pity to me, her anonymous roommate!
-ANON.