And the Winner is....Or Fake Good is Better than Real Good

so, okay, i really want to be a good person. i guess i should say, apparently, i want to be a good person. i sign up for volunteer projects. i rally people together to go to charity fundraisers. and i give the people i'm hanging out with multiple ways to get ahold of me when we're going to meet up (you know, just in case i'm a tad behind or something goes awry).

i should get an award, right?*

well, apparently, it is a mere façade, and i don't ACTUALLY want to be a good person. i just want to give the impression that i'm a good person. 

let's take a look at this week, for example. monday, i was signed up to go help old people play bingo. they can't necessarily hear that well, and my fingers are much more dextrous than theirs, so it just makes sense that i would be there to help them when the numbers are called, right? 

no, no, grandmother, let me help you with that, sort of thing:

it only happens twice a month, and i really make an effort to sign up. 

which is a real shame since i didn't even go on monday. i had kind of a headache, and i wasn't feeling great, and i had a long day, and i didn't need old people to remind me of eminent death.

 no, thanks! instead, i came home and watched who's that girl?

oh, madonna, you're such a good actress!

then today, i had invited becky to go to this fundraiser with me. she was to meet me at work at a designated time, and we would go from there. yeah, well, not only did i get out so late and not respond to any phone calls for so long that becky actually thought i ditched her (she probably

 started to do the sad charlie brown walk away thing that she does), but also ALSO we decided not to go. 

good grief, indeed, charlie brown. 

so, i guess i don't support haitian education after all. pity, really. i thought i believed in things. i guess i just believe in appearing as though i believe in things. 

but really, isn't that just as good, nay, better, even? think about it. 

*i actually did get an award for volunteering. back in aught aught. actually, it might've been '99, but i like saying aught, so we're going to round up:

My Head Hurts or Me Duele en mi Cabeza

my head is really mad at me right now, and i can't figure out why. likely it's because i've had too much sugar:

or not enough sugar:

but either way, i'm in pain here. the good news is that whoever sat here prior to me left some things on the desk. namely, a little container that's holding some paperclips, what appears to be some sort of mouse connector, a pencil topper, pepper, a sucking candy, salt, and a couple of packets of pills. unfortunately, they appear to be decongestants, but they all do the same thing, right? i mean, i'm just looking to mask the pain, i don't have to actually cure anything. let's not reinvent the wheel here....


but the thing is, i'm just not sure that a decongestant is going to actually cure a headache. while i like to believe that any pill will do what i want it to do, i have some very convincing evidence that they are not, in fact, interchangeable:



anyway, i think i'm going to give it a shot.

i'll let you know if i end up pregnant.

A Farewell to Arms or Who the Hell Are You?!

sadly, today i had to bid farewell to the bidet.

also, in theory, to annie, who failed to show up today to actually say good-bye to me in person. and this after our conversation yesterday that went as so:

(after a lunch where annie asked me questions and then interrupted my answers to talk to random strangers traipsing across the grass who were apparently more interesting than me. and now you know why annie and i are friends.)

annie: okay, i have to run to a meeting (said while looking to the sky, to the ground, anywhere but at me directly).

me: okay. will i see you again before i go? (reaching out to her physically with my hands and emotionally with my eyes to try to capture the moment)

annie: yeah, i'll see you tomorrow. high five.

*slapping of hands*

me: okay, see you, chump (looking wistfully over my shoulder at her as she disappeared into a building).

and just like that, i never saw her again. yes, it was yesterday, so how do i know i'll never see her again. did i put a hit out on her life? no, my friends, that is too time consuming. plus, if i'm going to murder someone, i want to get my hands dirty.

i mean, the thing with annie is that her memory is that of a goldfish. and not just any goldfish, but a radioactive goldfish that never had a chance because its brain is half pudding (J-E-L-L-O!) and therefore remembers significantly less than other goldfish:

yes, annie is constantly probing me (not like that, play doh boy) for "topeka gossip" even though she doesn't remember anyone from topeka. in fact, i'm not even sure she remembers where topeka is located on a map:

so, the likelihood that she will remember that we're good friends is slim to none. she's probably already forgotten my name. which is sad because i kinda like her. we get along well, and she's sort of an alcoholic, which makes me feel like less of a lush. but, these things happen, and i have to let her go.

so, let's raise our glasses to the bidet. i mean, to annie:

(to annie)

West Coast Times or Hair Bidet, Gone Tomorrow

so, i'm in northern california right now, which is nice because it means that i don't have to deal with all of the terrible east coast humidity that makes my hair so frizzy:

of course, i couldn't bring my hair products in my carry-on bag, and i flew here using one of those great airlines that is now charging to check baggage, so my hair isn't doing so well, regardless:

but this isn't a posting about my hair. actually, it is, but it wasn't supposed to be....

so, i lived in southern california, as many of you know, and while i enjoyed many things about it, i also hated a few things, and a few more filled me with murderous rage. i'm not saying that i was forced to leave the state because i killed anyone or anything, but it is best that i travel under an alias while back in this part of the country. don't judge me.

but northern california is apparently a different place, entirely. now, i know a few people in this general region, and i've certainly been here several times prior to now, but i never noticed how...different it is until now.

to what am i referring?

today i used a toilet that not only had a built in seat warmer (his name is larry and he just hangs out there until you need to use the facilities, and then it's pre-warmed for you, thanks-very-much), but it was also a bidet. (you don't want to know that guy's name. frankly, he was pretty strange....)

so began the struggle. do i use it? do i not? do i dare to experience what could be the best or worst couple of seconds of my life or do i play it safe and go with what i know? if i use it, which one do i use? should i go for a straight shot or use the oscillating function? do i dare go european? i mean, there's no coming back from that, right? right??

to be honest, i'm more upset by the seat being warm than by the shooting water. shooting water just makes sense. i guess:

oh, these foreign places.

A Room with a View or FOOD!

so, today was day two of "the new job," and i think i've figured out everything important that i need to know. yes, i'm a fast learner.

for instance, i know where the nearest kitchenette is to me (approximately six feet away):



i also know where the dining halls are located, which is mayhaps the most important thing of all.

and that's about it.

what's my actual job, you ask? i have no idea. but i'm sure that i'm really good at it? but really, i can't be bothered by things like working because i have to concentrate on what i'm going to eat next. and the good news is that my life long dream to become a plus sized model may actually come true. yay! take that actual-model-brother*:


anyway, i have to actually pack all of my possessions for my upcoming move. i'm moving to hollywood to make it big. okay, that's a lie. i'm moving a few blocks away so that my stalkers can't find me anymore. they're really lazy stalkers....

*i tried to find the most disturbing model picture of barret that i could.

Back from Israel or Ways of Dying

shalom! hello! remember me? i know, it's been awhile since i've been around, but don't worry. mara has forbid me from going anywhere, possibly ever again, so i'll be able to share all of my thoughts, ideas, and especially anything angerfying with you from now until forever.

yay!

the bad news? i think i'm dying, so i may not be able to blog about nothing for always.

as per usual, i came back from hiatus with a new scar. well, to be fair, it's not a scar yet, it's still a festering wound (ew). this one is stigmata, and it's really quite painful. luckily it's only on my left hand. wait, that's not lucky, i'm left handed.


anyway, if it were just stigmata, i'd be okay, BUT i also have devil eyes. really, i don't know why, but the whites of my eyes are now bright red. it's cute.



in other news, i'm ridiculously tired and i want to go to bed, but debbie won't let me because she's mean.

it's good to be back?

Not too bright

This blog entry will be quite short and let me tell you why. It took me 20 minutes just now to figure out how to sign in to write on Erin's blog. I won't go into details (missed emails, breaking into Erin's email account, cake batter ice cream), but be comforted that I did eventually figure it out and now I am writing.

Or not. I can't think of anything to say. Chris did just say he wants to start a blog, so...Yup, I'm handing it over. Good night!

So, the day started out normal when Mara and I were doing absolutely nothing. However, then people actually came over to our apartment! This was surprising considering no one ever comes over to visit and I have slowly become my grandmother and that is so sad that I can't even believe i just wrote it down. However, I'm so lazy that I refuse to hit backsp. I'm also so lazy that I couldn't even finish writing backspace.

So, anyway it was the most social day I've ever experienced in my entire life. We watched tennis, we talked about the food we were eating, we laughed on several occasions. I hope there are more days like it in the future. Oh yeah, another great part about it was the guitar! I am taking guitar lessons and am very excited about it. We have this little fenced in area in the front of our apartment where the dog can hang out and run around and we can all grill and sing while I play all the songs I learn on the guitar. It's gonna be a great summer.

JNF is way better than Your Mom* or a lesson in irony

*Editor's note: the name of the company in which said "Erin" will be working for has been changed in order to maintain anonymity. The job will now be referred to as "Your Mom" for the duration of this document. We hope you understand the sensitive nature of this material and can appreciate the changes made. But if you can't, no one cares anyway.*

So, my dearest Erin is leaving me, in more ways then one. I mean first she travels to South America, then to Israel, then she tells me she is moving 2 subway stops away from me – and of course as we all know by now she has taken some fancy new job – who does this girl think she is? Who told her it was okay to not spend all of her time with me?! Seriously, I am going to hunt you down...

Anyway, I think Erin has made a HUGE MISTAKE, I mean sure everyone thinks "Your Mom" is the greatest, but what people don't know is that JNF is even greater! I mean I know you are all shaking your heads right now, which is why I have made a list of the reasons (yay lists!).

1. Free Food – "Your Mom" is touted for how they give you free food everyday. Sure, this sounds great in theory, but I think JNF's system is way better. We get free food sometimes at JNF, like if there is a meeting we get to have the scraps of lunch leftover two hours later, or we have bagels and cake the 10 times a year when it is someone in our department's birthday. See, you learn to appreciate the free food, it is an unexpected treat, so much better than getting a gourmet lunch and dinner everyday, take that "Your Mom".

2. Free Massages – "Your Mom" and their free stuff, yay yay, show offs. So I bet you are thinking how can JNF even compare with this luxurious offering, well in two ways. One I recently heard people talking about how several years ago JNF used to offer back massages one day a year, and that they might bring that back, this would be a lovely unexpected treat (see: free food). Also, on my birthright, which JNF sent me on, there was one guy who gave really good back massages, that was great! Less is more, I mean why would I want a back massage everyday?! Those knots I have in my back and shoulders remind me of all the hard work I am doing, people at "Your Mom" must be relaxed all the time, and that means the work they are doing is unimportant.

3. Non-profits are superior – Speaking of unimportant work, working at a non-profit allows you to feel superior to people. I mean at JNF we are basically volunteers with the salaries we make, but we get paid in feeling all great about ourselves because we are “helping to make the world a better place.” I mean sure "Your Mom" has created "your ugly face", "your butt", "your flame retardant footie pajamas" and any number of other things I use on the internet, but come one, the internet is just some lame fad, planting trees in Israel is forever.

4. Mottos/Mission Statements – "Your Mom"'s motto is “Don't be evil” and as my brother Jason pointed out, isn't that exactly the kind of statement someone evil would make! Meanwhile, JNF's mission statement is “We are the caretakers of the land of Israel, on behalf of its owners, Jewish people everywhere.” I mean evil isn't mentioned in that, just nice words like caretakers. JNF is taking care of land, building a community of people, and "Your Mom" is just concerned about seeming all nice and, and not evil and all. Seems suspect to me.

So, I could continue, but I don't really need to, do I? It seems pretty obvious based on this list that Erin would have been so much happier staying at her volunteer job at JNF, with her knotty back and occasional free food, her life would have been better....but she made her choice, she is choosing a life of endless free food and massages and higher pay and who knows what else...

Bye Erin, it was nice knowing you.

on the aniversary of our nations birth, or something

so, it's the fourth of july. not really a big deal in my book, except for one thing- it's the one day a year i know i will be spending with erin.

this year, however, i'm spending time with her blog. on the surface, really, it doesn't seem like that big of a change. i get to hear (read...) her commentary on life, play the free-association game as she rambles, and all the while i can listen to music or watch tv. not that different, right? that's what i thought. but i was kind of wrong.

in an effort to distract myself, i decided i'd try to get out of the city. i was going to drive up to westchester and watch the fireworks in some little patriotic town where the fourth of july is actually a big deal. you head over to the town park with a blanket and maybe some grub, and lay down on the baseball fields with your friends or family or whomever. (i have no idea who that family is...) then there's like an hour of fireworks right above you. you look at the stars, and it's so peaceful, then the fireworks start up and it's magical. it's totally silent, and all of a sudden all you hear are the fireworks. all you see against the black sky are brilliant colors. it's less ostentatious than the macy's fireworks by far, but it's unmarred by the city lights. you can see why this would be an appealing summer night activity.

just to make sure i showed up on time, and that there were still fireworks at the town park, i went online to check. sure enough, there it was-- the schedule for the fireworks to celebrate our nation's independence from the tyrannical rule of king george. ...or some such nonsense. but wait. no. they're celebrating the day after independence day. july 5. what the fuck? that's ridiculous, right? i mean, i bet you think i even read the pdf wrong. but i didn't. see for yourself. i told you.

so no big deal. i'll go tomorrow. still get that magical experience. but i'm pretty much back at square one as far as hanging out with erin goes. my new plan? i'm not sure, but it will probably
involve malibu and dumb movies and laughter.
not so different after all, turns out...

The Blog of lists, or, Erin - Do I really have to come up with another title?

Women I'd go straight for:
Angelina Jolie
Tina Faye

Things I think I would die if they never existed:
Crazy straws
High fives
Bubble wrap
Sex
Whoopi Goldberg (yes, there is a reason she's right after sex)
Squirrels
Mango on a stick
Bubbles
Out door Cafes
Pizza when you're drunk
Iced Green Tea
Glitter
Mrs. Butterworths
Grass........man
High Tops
The Beyond section at Bed, Bath & Beyond
When people combine words into 1 by accident
Glitter ballet flats (now I must admit I didn't know these existed until Google suggested them on my sidebar)
Immediately below: Men Bra
All things Pixar

Giant Injustices of the World:
A buzzed Britney
$12 cocktails
The day my gym threw my button up shirt and vest away
The fact that hot dog buns come in packages of 8 and hot dogs come in packages of 10
People naming their kids with all the same first letter.
Blueberries being more than $5 in winter
$3 pizza
A $1.25 banana
The cast of 'Everybody loves Raymond'
Touching yourself for pleasure
Napoleon being so short
A condom being named after a destructive horse
Card catalogues
The 'Try Me' Button when it's broken
Salt and Vinegar chips

Things I find annoying:
You

Lame Insults
The stuff you're suppose to lick on the back of envelopes
The DMV
People who take up the whole sidewalk
3 people in a 4 section bench
Utah
Christmas songs
People talking to me in the elevator
ATM charges
Unrealistic serving sizes
Glitter
Butt sweat
Dogs dressed as Humans
That cotton inside Vitamin bottles
Washing my ankles.
The main thief in Aladdin
Mara's fickle cold shoulder

Favorite Holidays:
Flag Day
Tranny Appreciation Day (you are correct, this is a daily holiday)
Erin give Matthew a $1 day

Fun words to say:
Shimmer
Sparkle
Wahoo
Optimus Prime
Poonany
Glitter

Things that make me gay:
Liza Minelli doing Judy Garland doing Liza Minelli
Planet Unicorn Haaay.
Drop Dead Gorgeous
Kinky Boots (movie and actual object)
White Skinny Jeans
G.I.Joe
Mesh Tank Tops
Glitter
Your mom, naked, on a cold day
Al Sharpton
Rainbow flag matching tea set
Giga Pets
Playing Peter Pan as a child
Neil Patrick Harris
Feather Boas
OMG Shoes
Mojitos
The Washington Monument
RuPaul
Boy George

This Picture:

Garden Ho's
Babies
Jack from Just Jack 2000, and Just Jack 2001
A special locker for my hat

Things that make me straight:
I like to spit

Welcome Back, Me or My Kind of Town

Oh. Hello again.

It has been a long time hasn't it?

No, you look great!

Oh, stop!

Thanks for noticing, I am using a new shampoo. Its quite volumizing.

It is too a word!

Well, I love what you've done with the place. Still with the polka dots and all.

Yes, there is something to be said for consistency.

What have I been up to? Oh, you know, this and that. Yourself?

Really?

Uh huh.

With bison, huh? Well, I guess you've got me there.

No, I'm in Chicago now.

Chicago. Chi-ca-go. Its in Illinois. In the middle of the country.

The part that's not New York.

Its actually the third largest city in the US. You've never --

You know, Chicago...

Fine. Well its a great city. The best part about Chicago is that its a city that recognizes all the complexities of life and tries to make living simple. Take, for example, finding a place to live. Moving is difficult and Chicago recognizes that. So they've come up with an easy way to figure out where each person should live:


This way, you don't have to look throughout the entire city for an apartment, you can just look in your specific region.

What's that?

If you don't fit into one of those categories? I don't understand.

Well, I'm sure you could ask the city and they'll tell you where you belong.

Anyway, Chicago is also a pioneer in weather simplification. A lot of places have as many as four different seasons, each with their intricate weather patterns. Chicago has realized that you really only need two. So they've made it easy. From September through May, its really-fucking-cold-and-snowing season. And if its June, July or August it must be ridiculously-hot-and-humid season! So much less complicated - you don't have to worry about trying to figure out how many layers to wear or whether you'll need boots. Just look at the calendar!

Some things, however, they haven't mastered quite yet. Food, for example. I thought they had figured out a way to make all the food in the city weigh you down for three days - there's pizza stuffed with four cows of cheese, greasy Thai food, giant cheeseburgers - but that was before last night. I was at dinner celebrating my friend Carissa's birthday (and her return from the Czech Republic). She wanted to go to a sushi place because apparently you can't get good unagi in Prague and in the process we found my new favorite sushi ever - the Po Boy roll at Coast. So delicious. And, I expected, ridiculously heavy. But, as it turned out, I still had enough room for several beers, some sake and a couple bites of the flourless chocolate cake they brought her for dessert. C'mon Chicago, get your shit together.

Nevertheless, I guess Chicago is still pretty great. Stevie Wonder even stopped by on Saturday to say hi. He was accompanied by what looked to be everyone in North America. Which was nice to see, but one piece of advice, Chicago. Before your next guests arrive, do a little better job of vetting. Stevie's music was making a little black girl and a little white girl do somersaults together. Chicagoans were starting to get confused so I had to step in and explain to the girls that we keep things simple in Chicago and that sort of thing has no place here. Thankfully, situation diffused. But let's make sure it doesn't happen again, eh Chicago?