A Farewell to Arms or Who the Hell Are You?!

sadly, today i had to bid farewell to the bidet.

also, in theory, to annie, who failed to show up today to actually say good-bye to me in person. and this after our conversation yesterday that went as so:

(after a lunch where annie asked me questions and then interrupted my answers to talk to random strangers traipsing across the grass who were apparently more interesting than me. and now you know why annie and i are friends.)

annie: okay, i have to run to a meeting (said while looking to the sky, to the ground, anywhere but at me directly).

me: okay. will i see you again before i go? (reaching out to her physically with my hands and emotionally with my eyes to try to capture the moment)

annie: yeah, i'll see you tomorrow. high five.

*slapping of hands*

me: okay, see you, chump (looking wistfully over my shoulder at her as she disappeared into a building).

and just like that, i never saw her again. yes, it was yesterday, so how do i know i'll never see her again. did i put a hit out on her life? no, my friends, that is too time consuming. plus, if i'm going to murder someone, i want to get my hands dirty.

i mean, the thing with annie is that her memory is that of a goldfish. and not just any goldfish, but a radioactive goldfish that never had a chance because its brain is half pudding (J-E-L-L-O!) and therefore remembers significantly less than other goldfish:

yes, annie is constantly probing me (not like that, play doh boy) for "topeka gossip" even though she doesn't remember anyone from topeka. in fact, i'm not even sure she remembers where topeka is located on a map:

so, the likelihood that she will remember that we're good friends is slim to none. she's probably already forgotten my name. which is sad because i kinda like her. we get along well, and she's sort of an alcoholic, which makes me feel like less of a lush. but, these things happen, and i have to let her go.

so, let's raise our glasses to the bidet. i mean, to annie:

(to annie)

West Coast Times or Hair Bidet, Gone Tomorrow

so, i'm in northern california right now, which is nice because it means that i don't have to deal with all of the terrible east coast humidity that makes my hair so frizzy:

of course, i couldn't bring my hair products in my carry-on bag, and i flew here using one of those great airlines that is now charging to check baggage, so my hair isn't doing so well, regardless:

but this isn't a posting about my hair. actually, it is, but it wasn't supposed to be....

so, i lived in southern california, as many of you know, and while i enjoyed many things about it, i also hated a few things, and a few more filled me with murderous rage. i'm not saying that i was forced to leave the state because i killed anyone or anything, but it is best that i travel under an alias while back in this part of the country. don't judge me.

but northern california is apparently a different place, entirely. now, i know a few people in this general region, and i've certainly been here several times prior to now, but i never noticed how...different it is until now.

to what am i referring?

today i used a toilet that not only had a built in seat warmer (his name is larry and he just hangs out there until you need to use the facilities, and then it's pre-warmed for you, thanks-very-much), but it was also a bidet. (you don't want to know that guy's name. frankly, he was pretty strange....)

so began the struggle. do i use it? do i not? do i dare to experience what could be the best or worst couple of seconds of my life or do i play it safe and go with what i know? if i use it, which one do i use? should i go for a straight shot or use the oscillating function? do i dare go european? i mean, there's no coming back from that, right? right??

to be honest, i'm more upset by the seat being warm than by the shooting water. shooting water just makes sense. i guess:

oh, these foreign places.