Lesbian Shul or the 217 Dollar Deal

so, yesterday becky and i made it official and finally joined lesbian shul. i know, i know. we're very excited, too.








there is a lot i want to convey about lesbian shul, but first i think i should give you a brief history (well, MY brief history) with them.





i first found cbst when i was researching shuls that don't charge non-members for high holiday services. i think it's completely ridiculous that places charge for its holy days. do you see the easter bunny charging to let people in churches for christmas day or whatever?





not usually.





anyway, that was the first time i went, and it was awesome. everyone was so welcoming and great, plus we sat in the balcony and it felt like we were at the opera, except i wasn't that bored.





so, then becky and i started going. and i love it. love, love, love the way the tree in the last unicorn loves schmendrick the magician.





but none of this is my point.





also not my point, but here it is anyway, is this little fact...



FACT: my friend sarah, who is visiting from chicago felt that it is pertinent for her to be mentioned in my blog. apparently it wasn't enough that i cut her out of the picture where i am hugging a bag of sugar.





and since she may or may not be a lesbian, she thought that this post would make sense for her to be in. as far as i know, she's never been to lesbian shul, so i don't know how she thinks she can be a lesbian. that's the way one determines if one is in fact a lesbian. but whatever. (hi sarah!)


so, yesterday, we sent in our payment for the 08-09 shul-year, and it was actually a bargain, coming out to $217.50 each. that's chump change for a year long shul membership.







so i've decided that from now on, i won't spend more than $217.50 on anything. Ever.





my rent will now be paid in monthly increments of $217.50





all major purchases will not exceed $217.50





if i need to fly somewhere, my ticket must be less than $217.50





every blog entry that i write will now be posted at 2:17 and 50 seconds





and, like many things in life, it is all thanks to lesbian shul.

Apples to Apples or Cards for Life

i've been thinking a lot lately about the game apples to apples. for those of you who don't know it, it's a game where you have a green card that has an adjective on it:



everyone who is playing has a hand of red cards, which all have nouns on them. these nouns range from things like:



to:



the idea is to describe what's on the green card by throwing in your best red card. each round, a different participant judges and the best card (according to said participant) wins. this game can either be fun or lame, depending on who you play with and how literal they are about the cards.

anyway, i've been thinking about this game. why, you ask? i just love that you are SO interested in my life. it's sweet of you really:



there are actually multiple reasons i've been thinking about apples to apples. i supposed the most obvious reason is that i played it the other night, and of course, i rocked. it feels good to win games that have no point.

but there is something even more important than my rockability at the game (you didn't think there could be a more important than that, did you?). i have, in fact, decided that these cards are applicable to real life situations. no, really.

so, at work, someone asks me:

someone: erin, can you please draft a letter to _________ about some such thing you've never heard of and probably has nothing to do with you?

now instead of answering:

erin: sure, i can do that. i'll scan it for you when i'm finished, so you can then tell me i did it wrong and have me re-do it.

i can answer with a card:

erin:

or

erin:

see? it really works! and it doesn't just apply to the workplace. say i'm at a club dancing,


and some sleaze-ball tries to grind all up on me. well, now i have the solution!




ah, apples to apples. i love you!

Dear Diary or What I Ate Today

so, today i was chatting with mara and julie at dinner about how i was thinking of blogging on what i ate today. mara so lovingly reminded me that my old diaries used to be completely about what i ate on any given day.

i beg to differ, though. i distinctly remember writing a passage about how i "pine for" brady miller. no, really i used those words. and really, i had a crush on brady miller:

on the left

but what do you want? i was in middle school with raging hormones and a thing for thespians. and the whole "pine for" thing wasn't my fault, either. i mean, it was renaissance festival time. which reminds me of turkey drumsticks and brings me back to my point:

things i ate today

dear diary,

today was an okay day. i woke up before my alarm clock again, which was annoying because i wanted to sleep in. but it did give me a chance to take a shower, which i guess is okay, even though i kinda didn't wanna take a shower. i mean, i JUST showered two days ago.....anyway, i kind of wanted to nibble on something right away. i was actually kinda hungry, which is weird because i don't usually eat until i get into the office, but after getting my lunch ready (rice to go with the panang tuna pack i had at work)



and grabbing some fruit, i decided to just get going. it was nice outside.

so, i actually didn't notice that i still hadn't eaten anything by eleven, which, again, weird because i usually eat at nine thirty or ten. but, to be fair, i did try to have some strawberries around 9:15. they had gone bad, which didn't stop me from biting into one, anyway, but it was no good.

and then i DID have a handful of honey nut cheerios, which i shoved frantically into my mouth, but that doesn't count because i didn't get any milk to put it in, thus wasting time by going down to the fridge on the second floor, talking to becky about her fake child named jewish, and filling my stomach in the way i normally do with cereal and milk.


then at eleven, i went to the fourth floor for something (i forgot what by the time i got there), and when i left, i filled my water bottle AND took a piece of chocolate covered matzoh. i started eating it on the way down, but then when i got to my desk, i decided that it would go really well with my fuji apple, so i supplemented, taking a bite of matzoh then a bite of apple.

it was just okay.

twelve thirty brought on cookie walk '08 (part 1), a scheduled affair that took us back to levain bakery for delicious chocolate chip brioche and whatever everyone else got.

at levain bakery

now, i wasn't going to eat it until after i had lunch, but instead i ate in on the way back to the office. and then i wasn't hungry for lunch.

cookie walk '08 (part 1) crew

i did have some sugar snap peas. those were good.

i met julie and mara for dinner, which was nice because i don't get to see julie that often, and i really like my sister. we went to a thai place, and i ordered pad see ew, but they called it pad see eil, which was TOTALLY crazy! anyway, i ate way too much and felt sick after dinner, which sucked, but passover is starting soon, so i couldn't really take leftovers with me.

now i'm home and watching amelie. i love this movie, it's so pretty. i wonder if brady miller would like it....

that's all for now. i'll write more if i have any ice cream or something later. thanks for listening, diary. you're always here for me.

love,
erin


and yes, i really did sign my diary "love" and my name. sad. i know.

Run Gracie Run or The Big Finish

last night the worst thing happened. i was hanging out with debbie and becky (not the worst thing), and we decided to go to barnes and noble. maybe you've heard of it, it's a bookstore:




anyway, because debbie and becky are such good, close friends, i decided to share with them my (new) favorite book:


this book is AMAZING! it's all about campaigning and teaches kids the uselessness of the electoral college. what could be better?

now, becky has been subjected to this book before, as the last time we were in b&n and discovered that it exists, i made her read it and tell me how great it is. so when she wandered off mentally to look at other books, i allowed it. but debbie, DEBBIE failed me. she did NOT love my book. she made faces and didn't shed a single tear about the heartfelt ending. in fact, she may have rolled her eyes. what is this treachery? how can i be expected to maintain a friendship with someone who obviously has no heart???

well, i thought about it, and i've developed a theory as to the heartlessness of dear shifty-eyes. you see, the main character of said book, grace we'll call her (because that's her name), is

*SPOILER ALERT! i'm about to reveal the ending. if you want to be surprised, don't read on!*

a woman. i think that grace's big win in the end made debbie a little apprehensive, as she's an obama supporter:



i think she was a little intimidated when grace actually became president. and while there is certainly no excuse for picking on cute, little grace (i mean, she's a CHILD, and tommy gave her enough trouble already), this goes a long way toward explaining debbie's actions (or blatant lack thereof).

i forgive debbie, though, because she and becky bought me an amazing dinner and an amazing dessert and helped me to freak ira out. (we showed up at his apartment and demanded to be let in. luckily, ira has to be a good host, even if he is scared and doesn't understand what's going on....)



so, good luck, grace! i still support you. and debbie, i've decided we can be friends afterall.

unless i discover you have no soul....

Back from the Motherland (Again) or Suicide Can Kill You

so, i just got back from israel (again). this trip was very different. i mean, REALLY different than my first time there. for instance, i came back looking suicidal:


but that's neither here nor there i suppose.

i don't feel like writing a long shpiel about it, so instead, i'll just write some random words that describe my time and move on.
so....

random words that describe my trip to israel:

paint



neopolitan back hair

hoes



sunburn

singing



naked squeegee

back flips

g-strings and nipple rings

and that about sums it up.

Mystery Solved! or How I Met Yo Mama

we FINALLY have a confession!

remember the time some mystery person wrote a comment on my blog? it said something about a birthday, which threw me into a befuddled state because i'm usually so good with birthdays, but i didn't know whose birthday i was missing? 'member? 'member?!?

well, while i was away i received this email:



followed by this email:




so, double ha! not only did i NOT forget a birthday (because my cousin's birthday is on the 12th, not the 16th) but i now don't have to go crazy over the anonymous nature of the posting.

i win! i'm the winner!

of course, it's not about who won (me) or lost (you). it's about the fact that sometimes in life, we are rewarded in the most superfluous ways.

for instance, maybe i did the universe a favor and punched someone who was being annoying. and to balance out this random act of kindness, i then received the knowledge of who wrote anonymously on my blog.

see? the system works.

Brain Rack or Ultimate Nap Time

the other day, i came home, and i had actual mail. i was SO excited to be receiving personal mail items in this the week of my birth. eagerly, i tore into the pretty envelopes and was confronted by....

1. a bridal shower invitation

2. a save the date for an upcoming wedding

now, don't get me wrong, i am actually happy to be participating in these events. but i am currently less than twelve hours away from turning 26, and it's a little depressing to be reminded about how other people in the world aren't going to die alone. i mean, my parents already had a kid by my age, (her name is mara) and what have i done?



exactly.

i can't even blog on a daily basis, even though it would really annoy my sister, and if that isn't motivation, what is, i ask you?

so. even though my life is crap and sugarless, i have decided to make some goals for the upcoming (enter some amount of time).

GOALS

a.

okay, i'm having trouble coming up with any goals. does one have to have passion about something in order to have goals? where is my drive? all i want to do is take a nap, but that doesn't seem likely at this point (although there is a couch in the hallway for some reason...). why can't i think of life improvements for myself and/or others? what's the deal?

let's slow down. maybe i should start with small goals that i've had for awhile, like obtain fame (not the musical, but of the "and fortune" variety). or buying a fainting goat.



you know, this doesn't seem to be working.

hm....

alright, i've got it.

GOALS

a. sort out life

yeah, i'll let you know how it goes.

This is Not a Pipe or An Afternoon Chat

oh. hello there. no, no, you aren't interrupting, come on in. really, i insist. don't be shy, come on. that's better.

what? oh, i know, you haven't seen me around much lately....

oh, no! nothing like that, i guess i've just been coping with this crazy thing called life, you know?

yeah? well tell me what's been going on with you.

really?

really?! but you're okay now, right? huh. sorry to hear that....what, me? no, no, i couldn't. i'm kinda afraid of heights, you know?

well, i don't know if i should go into that now. i mean, are you asking because you really want to know or because you feel obligated to do so?

shit, don't get offended! it's a fair question. some people just ask to ask, you know?

don't look at me like that.

no i'm not! i just don't want to waste my breath, you know? if you don't really....hey! how'd that thing go last week?

no, the other thing. with the little guys?

to shreds, you say? that's a shame. anyway, i hate to be rude, but i have to go back to work now.

oh, i know, it's work, work, work all the time these days....

well, you COULD. you just never apply yourself.

what?

fine, but only three.

the answer is obviously yes to that.

only in the afternoons.

hm...that's a hard one.....i guess i'd have to say....spandex. yellow, at best. okay, so i'll see you later, right?

thanks.

you too.

bye-bye now.

Help! or The Trouble with Interns

personally, i thought the point of interns was to make those of us at the bottom of the ladder feel like we have power over something (anything) at all. i mean, when i was an intern (over six months ago) i did any mundane job thrown at me, and i did it with a smile, dammit! i mean, i guess i still do every mundane job thrown at me, but i'm certainly not smiling now....

our interns are not so obliging. for one, they refuse to do any of the menial tasks that are below the rest of us. i mean, sure, working as part of an assembly line to compile departmental folders is really REALLY boring:

but somebody needs to do it! hell, i'd do it myself if one of the interns would answer my phone while i did them, but they don't want to do that either.

another problem with our rogue interns is that they don't always show up for scheduled meetings. michelle scheduled a time for a couple of our interns to help her with something, and only one of them showed up. her excuse?

oh sorry. i forgot.

we're paying these people!!!!

and then there are the emails. i get emails from our interns (whose names have been deleted for their protection) like these:

and

i mean, come on! they talk to me as though they are in charge of what i should do. and the worst part is that I END UP DOING IT. what's up with that?

lastly, some of our interns don't realize that interning is, like, a job. this means that they have to show up when they are expected, every time. on multiple occasions, this has been a problem.

okay, i'm finished venting:




thanks for sticking by me in these troubling times. maybe as a reward, i won't kill you. (i'm sorry, i'm really jonesin for some processed sugar. it's making me irritable. okay, MORE irritable. )

only 24 more days to go....

The Love Letter

dear sugar,

i woke up this morning with a buzzing in my head. coming into consciousness, i felt i was missing something, and i wanted desperately to hold onto it, but i couldn't quite recall what it was.

it was you.

i miss you. i miss you like an amputee misses her leg (assuming that's the appendage she no longer has). i miss waking up and having you there, the way you were always waiting with a smile. you always called. you always wanted to hang out, and you never stood me up. not once.

and i know that this is my fault, that i'm the one who drove you away. i insisted upon it, even. you wanted to stay. you said you would never leave me, and you meant it. but i was stubborn. i turned my back on you, and now my head aches and my body yearns for your sweet, sweet goodness.

i see you everywhere i turn. when i open my fridge, you are there. walking down the street, you are there. i see your sticky goodness coating the lips of children everywhere i go, and i long for the half-crazed frenzied look in their eyes.

i remember those highs so well....

the thing is, i miss you. i know, i know, i let you go. and it's only been three days (three days!), but i still remember the way life looked when you were around. now, the colors are duller. people are duller. my life feels...empty.

i wish i could have you back. i want to open my arms and ask you to jump into them. i want to let myself be human and ask you to return to me. but....

i can't.

there's too much at stake. so, i have to be strong, sugar. i have to say no to all of the sweetness and happiness you bring me. i have to accept this terrible headache that has been persisting over the past few days.

i will still smell you on the wind, and when i do, i will close my eyes, inhale deeply, and think:

cinnabon
haagen dasz
that fake maple syrup which is actually made from corn syrup
chocolate in all of its magnificent forms

i will remember you. please, please don't forget me....


love always,
erin