Animal Farm or Here Kitty, Kitty Kitty

a lot of thoughts went (very rapidly- i AM add...) through my head as i was thinking about what write today. i mean, it's definitely time. you've gone too long without having to read (er, i mean GETTING to read) my deepest most inner thoughts.

so.

first i thought i'd tell you all the tragedy of how i'm dying. but i thought that would bring you too much joy:

then mara fowarded me an email that she wrote to kristen and helen eons ago, and it reminded me that i used to write funny emails, too. i was then going to dedicate a whole blog to reposting old emails that a lot of you already had to suffer through once. i mean, really, my mass emails were like a prelude to my blog. i decided agin it. (although if you missed them the first time around, i'm happy to send them your way.)

mara's email also reminded me of how funny SHE is, but then i couldn't printscreen the email to show you all, and i gave up on communicating that, as well.

and then, somehow, i got to thinking about the different animals i've been compared to in my life. thus i bring you:

ERIN'S BLOG ABOUT ANIMALS SHE'S BEEN COMPARED TO IN HER LIFE

my first animal comparison memory was being compared to cera from the land before time. interesting fact about this (interesting being the nicest word for no one really cares) is that while i was first compared to cera when the land before time (or tlbt as we hipsters like to call it) when the movie first came out. i was later compared to her when i went to college. specialady kt also saw the resemblance:

some might argue that cera doesn't count, considering she's

a. a cartoon

and

b. a dinosaur (as a kansan i don't believe in evolution and/or dinosaurs)

making her doubly fictitious. don't you worry, though, i have a whole long list of other animals

that i've been compared to:

cats (affectionate when i want to be, bitey when i don't):

dogs (although some just say bitch, but i'm sure they meant the loveable, fluffly kind of dog....):

chipmunks:

ferrets (for my desire, nay NEED to get into small spaces and break things. also the smell):

and just today i was compared to a koala:

a hedgehog:

and a unicorn (thanks, sean!):

what does this say about me? the same thing all of the colors mixed together says....BROWN.

Attraction or Pauly Shore is My Hero

you know how it seems like some people attract certain things? for instance, my brother attracts luck at card games, some people get hit by lightning multiple times in their lives, while my sister attracts the attentions of twelve year old boys like moths to the light:

for the longest time, i thought that there was nothing that i attracted with an invisible pull that others in my family seem to have. small children swarm to my mother, much to their parents' horror, while my dad ALWAYS wins at monopoly (which isn't really the same, but seriously, how can he win EVERY TIME?!?). recently, i found my thing, that thing that will ALWAYS find me, no matter what.

i always hoped it would be the ability to command money to flock to my fingertips, but, sadly, i knew that wasn't the case when i lost a hundred dollar bill a couple of months ago. no, for me, it's jury duty.

i have lived in a total of five states since i have been eligible for jury duty. i've lived in kansas:

texas:

california:

massachusetts:

and now, new york:

in every state, save one, i've been beckoned by the long, bony finger of the law to endure jury duty. now, i got the hell out of kansas two months after i was registered to vote, so i didn't get a summons there. but every single other state! it's ridiculous, i was only in texas for five months.

anyway, i registered to vote about a month ago, and what arrives in the mail last week? something from my good friend gloria d'amico. she had this to say to me:

dear juror:

welcome. you have been selected for jury duty.

the law provides that a collective body of "eligible" citizens shall perform as jurors to determine cases broughts before the courts. Your participation in the jury process helps to insure the individual rights of each citizen.

i recognize jury service can be burdensome, as it may interrupt your personal and business lives. please be assured that we will work within the limits of the law to accommodate varying needs. our goal is to make your service as a juror a rewarding and memorable experience.

thank you for your time and commitment to the new york state justice system.

sincerely,

gloria d'amico

commissioner of jurors

listen. gloria. i know you you're just doing your job. and i'm glad that i am dear to you. but i don't appreciate your italicized and quoted "eligible". it feels like you are doubting my eligibility,

and that hurts my feelings. furthermore, no one wants a memorable experience. that pretty much guarantees that you will be haunted for the rest of your life by the horrors that befell you in the hands of the government.

not good.

lastly, it certainly will interrupt my personal and business life. do they allow booze in the court building? do they cater meals , ordering obscene amounts of food, then let me scavange the leftovers like the ferret that i am? i thought not.

tis my lot in life, i guess to move from state to state, to be called for jury duty (though never picked for a jury), and then sit in a room with a bunch of people watching soap operas all day. and i won't even have postcards with me to glue together.

oh well. i suppose it's better than having to watch jury duty at any point.

ever.