February 16th or Forgotten Birthday

usually, i am really good at remembering people's birthdays. this makes a lot of people feel bad for not remembering my birthday, which is just an added bonus, really, because i don't put any effort into remembering birthdays, and they'd have to think about mine to remember it. unlikely, but it's nice that they feel guilty, anyway.

the fact is, i just have a useless brain where i can remember every line from the simpsons and futurama, as well as born on dates of people that i know (or have stolen their wallets, which therefore puts me in possession of their licenses, thus giving me infallible knowledge of their DOBs. or in play doh's case, patrick's DOB since play doh hasn't gotten a new license since his was stolen, but he refuses to miss out on the bar scene just because he doesn't have a "real" id.)

chances are, if i fail to call, text, or send a card on your birthday, it's not because i forgot, rather because i don't like you or you did something to piss me off recently. or i got distracted by something shiny:




this is why it is SO disconcerting that someone posted a message on my blog about her/his birthday. this ambiguous comment has been mocking me because i obviously forgot. to add insult to injury, said person posted ANONYMOUSLY, which is not only annoying to spell while hitting the shift key (yes, yes, i could just push caps lock, but i don't wanna), but also means that i still don't know whose birthday i missed.

let's look at the facts.

fact 1. this person posted a comment mentioning said birthday on february 16th, approximately 8:35 pm. this could mean the birthday in question is february 16th, or it could mean that the birthday just passed, (feb. 15th) and the comment was deliberating on how i failed to remember his/her birthday within the given time restraints, thus totally failing as a human being. OR it could be a subtle hint, like how jayanna always has birthday countdowns so no one is allowed to forget her birthday is july 31st (the same as manda bee's, in case you were wondering), and said birthday is actually today (feb. 17th).

fact 2. a preliminary scouring of the internet (read: i went on myspace, facebook AND friendster) failed to turn up a single friend who has a birthday on feb. 16th (and who is at all likely to read this blog. mike loretto and jodi bloom: happy late birthday! even though, i'm fairly certain you aren't reading my blog....)

fact 3. THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! okay, i'm a terrible person and a bad friend. we all suspected this when instead of thanking my guest bloggers, i insulted them. but i honestly don't remember who's birthday it was yesterday, and for my own sanity, i need to know! this torture is getting us nowhere.

listen, here's what i'm going to do. i'm going to bribe you with promises of birthday cake and/or alcohol. i will provide one, the other, or both of these things to you, anonymous, forgotten friend, if you step forward and identify yourself, thus making me feel better (a face to the forgotten) and worse (how could i forget your birthday? it's so obvious now! kind of thing):


see? i'll even throw in some cigarettes from people who resolved to quit smoking, didn't, but throw out the occasional half-smoked pack in a moment of guilt, but then just go and buy some more the next day. everybody wins!

of course, i can't promise that i won't get distracted by something shiny while on my way to delivering said cake and alcohol (calchol??) and, of course, cigarettes.

i might be a little late....

Close Your Eyes or Dr. Freud on the Couch

this blog shall be about dreams. and i don't mean in the hippie-head-in-the-clouds-tiptoe-through-the-tulips-i-wanna-win-the-lottery-and-create-world-peace kind of dreams. i mean when you close your eyes and go to sleep for the night. and because i'm so cool, i'm going to analyze a few of these dreams.

dream 1:

her: i had a dream last night that i pushed manda out of a building window. a skyscraper window. i told her it was a test. i just got done watching the episode of lost where hurley's imaginery friend told him to jump off a cliff.

me: uh huh blame tv

her: in this situation. i am the imaginery friend. what do you think that says?

okay, so clearly this friend, who i will anonymously refer to as lenee, has issues. first of all, it is clear that she hates manda. why? i don't know.

maybe because manda is actually a panda:

or maybe it's that she plays the banjo:

these are possibilities. but i think the root of the issue here is that lenee feels insecure about her life. i mean, she's got this new business and it's going well, but it's all still up in the air, you know? (like a skyscraper, even!) whereas manda is coasting along, content in her banjo playing ways. maybe lenee longs to be in a place of stability, but she can't, which makes her feel invisible in her own world. therefore, her reaction is to knock amanda down from her place of stability by convincing her that it's better to take a leap, because that is the path she took for herself. but since manda won't jump, lenee has to push her.

or maybe it is tv's fault and renee is just too impressionable to be watching. i mean, lenee....

dream 2:

Last night I was at a club and I was at the bar (surprise surprise) with Lee (ugh, I know). We were having a good time then I look over and Sean and Patrick came in dressed as drag. Sean was a nurse with a wig and I didn't see Patricks' outfit, but he had a wig on. Later I glanced over and he had turned into a doctors outfit leaving Sean to be the only one still dressed in drag.

first, let me clarify and tell you that this dream belongs to pdb. if you don't know much about him, peruse his blog to get a better idea. it's important for you to know who you are dealing with here. okay, so this dream is interesting. to me, this dream is very telling. obviously, the setting and the company represent the gay lifestyle to which pdb currently prescribes. sean and patrick are such stereotypical and suggestive examples of the sort of flippant and wild gay scene here in new york, and the fact that they are dressed in drag says that they are hiding their true selves in order to fit into this lifestyle. we don't know how pdb is dressed, but lee is not dressed in drag. lee is pdb's ideal, and what he longs for (in reality). so. the fact that lee is dressed normally, seems to suggest that maybe what pdb is really longing for is a chance to truly express himself as an individual first, rather than as a gay individual. maybe he sees hope for patrick to one day reveal his true self as well. maybe not.

maybe pdb drank too much and passed out wearing a wig and the dye seeped into his brain.

dream 3:

this is my dream. mara and i were like characters in buffy or something. that is to say, we had super skillful fighting powers. but the fact that we were jewish meant that we had to go into hiding in attics. so, we were trying to hide, but the spaces weren't so good, we were still visible. mara chose to fight, and i chose to run from rooftop to rooftop until i fell.

then i was in a wrestling match, but they wouldn't let me wrestle until i handed out a certain number of brochures or something. so, i was trying to get people to take them, but a lot of people wouldn't. then a couple of chicks from birthright came and i asked them to take, and snootily they did, but then they threw them on the ground, so i didn't get to wrestle. it was tragic.

this dream is so obvious that i feel a little silly analyzing it. but here goes. it means that i am great and enjoy knitting. also, send me money.

no really. send me money.