February 16th or Forgotten Birthday

usually, i am really good at remembering people's birthdays. this makes a lot of people feel bad for not remembering my birthday, which is just an added bonus, really, because i don't put any effort into remembering birthdays, and they'd have to think about mine to remember it. unlikely, but it's nice that they feel guilty, anyway.

the fact is, i just have a useless brain where i can remember every line from the simpsons and futurama, as well as born on dates of people that i know (or have stolen their wallets, which therefore puts me in possession of their licenses, thus giving me infallible knowledge of their DOBs. or in play doh's case, patrick's DOB since play doh hasn't gotten a new license since his was stolen, but he refuses to miss out on the bar scene just because he doesn't have a "real" id.)

chances are, if i fail to call, text, or send a card on your birthday, it's not because i forgot, rather because i don't like you or you did something to piss me off recently. or i got distracted by something shiny:




this is why it is SO disconcerting that someone posted a message on my blog about her/his birthday. this ambiguous comment has been mocking me because i obviously forgot. to add insult to injury, said person posted ANONYMOUSLY, which is not only annoying to spell while hitting the shift key (yes, yes, i could just push caps lock, but i don't wanna), but also means that i still don't know whose birthday i missed.

let's look at the facts.

fact 1. this person posted a comment mentioning said birthday on february 16th, approximately 8:35 pm. this could mean the birthday in question is february 16th, or it could mean that the birthday just passed, (feb. 15th) and the comment was deliberating on how i failed to remember his/her birthday within the given time restraints, thus totally failing as a human being. OR it could be a subtle hint, like how jayanna always has birthday countdowns so no one is allowed to forget her birthday is july 31st (the same as manda bee's, in case you were wondering), and said birthday is actually today (feb. 17th).

fact 2. a preliminary scouring of the internet (read: i went on myspace, facebook AND friendster) failed to turn up a single friend who has a birthday on feb. 16th (and who is at all likely to read this blog. mike loretto and jodi bloom: happy late birthday! even though, i'm fairly certain you aren't reading my blog....)

fact 3. THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! okay, i'm a terrible person and a bad friend. we all suspected this when instead of thanking my guest bloggers, i insulted them. but i honestly don't remember who's birthday it was yesterday, and for my own sanity, i need to know! this torture is getting us nowhere.

listen, here's what i'm going to do. i'm going to bribe you with promises of birthday cake and/or alcohol. i will provide one, the other, or both of these things to you, anonymous, forgotten friend, if you step forward and identify yourself, thus making me feel better (a face to the forgotten) and worse (how could i forget your birthday? it's so obvious now! kind of thing):


see? i'll even throw in some cigarettes from people who resolved to quit smoking, didn't, but throw out the occasional half-smoked pack in a moment of guilt, but then just go and buy some more the next day. everybody wins!

of course, i can't promise that i won't get distracted by something shiny while on my way to delivering said cake and alcohol (calchol??) and, of course, cigarettes.

i might be a little late....