Contortions or Why I Don't Have Animals

whoever wrote the song easy like sunday morning did NOT have animals. i know this because it is sunday morning, and i am wide awake. it was not an easy night, and it's certainly not an easy morning.

let's recap.

i am at my sister's so that i can walk her dog while she is picking up furnishings and such from jersey. why she needs anything additional from chris's mom is beyond me. she already got the one thing that makes me think i'll ever get married (because i really don't want to buy one, but i NEED it):



at first glance, her dog is cute:


but it turns out this adorable little fluffer is a bed-hog! i go to sleep on the fold-out couch, thinking i have all the space of a full-sized bed. but then, somewhere around 1 AM freddy vs. jason (the cat, if you missed that) comes sauntering up perches delicately in the corner, right by my feet. fine. then THEN taylor thinks it's her turn.

now, i was under the impression that this dog is stupid. NOT SO. being the mastermind she is, taylor begins her ascent around 2 AM. she does this v.....e.....r.....y.......s....l....o...w...l....y so as not to wake me up. first her head rests on the bed for a moment. then one front paw. then the other. then she sort of stretches out her torso so that she is mostly on the bed already when she crawls belly first all the way up. and ta-da! she is now on the bed.

i could handle this. i really could. you know that phish song about when you're there? well, that's how i feel. i can have company in the bed. it's fine!

unfortunately, taylor doesn't feel the same way. taylor is a bed-hog, and i'm not afraid to say it. she somehow weasels her way into the very center of the bed and refuses to move. i am forced to contort my body around her in various uncomfortable positions for the remainder of the night.

luckily, the remainder of the night wasn't that much longer. at around 6 AM freddy decided that sleep is for losers, so he comes and starts sniffing at my face until i eventually open one eye. at this point, he decides that instead of punching me in the eye with his paw, as is usual, he will bite my lip.

NOT CUTE.

yet immediately after i yelp in pain, he starts purring, as his work is obviously done, and then he saunters off.

now taylor decides to wake up, stretch and stare at me until i sit up. so i do. as soon as it is very clear that i am awake and nothing is going to put me back to sleep, both animals promptly go BACK TO SLEEP on the floor.

i hate them.

i hate them SO MUCH.

and you know the worst part? i can't even bite their lips in retaliation because they don't have lips.

tis sad.