Left Handed Shananagans or Resolutions for the New Year

it seems to me that for some reason around this time of year, people start a list of "resolutions". said resolutions often include (but are not limited to) things such as:

1. going to the gym more
2. volunteering with old people and/or puppies
3. buying fewer shoes
4. spending more time with the fam
5. becoming more spiritual or at least pretend to be more spiritual by going to services more often so as to trick god into thinking one is pious, if not holy
6. buying more shoes
7. asking for that raise one deserves
8. being nicer to people or at least spitting on them less
9. eating healthier
10. make more lists of things to accomplish*

for the longest time, i didn't know why people made lists of resolutions just to break them at a later date. i mean, really, it isn't so easy to undo decades of bad habits just because a calendar has rolled over to the next supposed year (because we from kansas know that the bible tells us the actual year as pertains to the age of our mother earth). i mean really.

said resolutioners: welp, it's 2008 now, i guess it's time that i stop acting like a schmuck and start cleaning out that garage that has been accumulating garbage and probably nests of small animals since 1967.


call me skeptical, but i think it's more likely that humans evolved from monkeys than people will keep their resolutions.

i'm pretty sure that the real reason people make resolutions is so that they can then break them and feel that rush of guilt that comes from breaking their resolutions. guilt makes you feel bad about things that you have no desire to actually change. and maybe you're a little masochistic, you sick bastard, because you know you like that.

i say, no thanks to that. i've already got that jewish guilt thing following me around until i die. therefore i resolve NOT to make any resolutions.

shit.

there hasn't been a greater paradox since the back to the future movies. well, since i can't resolve not to make any resolutions, i'll just sit on my couch all day and watch futurama. that seems like a fair solution.

i really need to buy groceries. the kind where all of the stuff is coming out of the top of the bag for some reason. you know the ones i'm talking about....


yeah. that's the stuff.


*the author wishes to express that this is just a sample list that in no way reflects resolutions for her in the new year. if anything, she wants to eat unhealthier, punch old people and puppies in their faces, and avoid seeing her family by camouflaging herself by dressing as a lamp and standing in the corner of the living room where no one will detect her (because let's face it, her family is gorgeous and therefore not so smart). now give her that raise she deserves.