The Cuddle Bunny or Some Like it Hot

you may have noticed it's winter. then again, you may not have noticed, in which case you are not very obsrevant. (see what i did there? i made a typo so to prove that those of you who have not noticed that it's winter will also not notice the typo and are not observant. what? shut up, that was a sentence.) so, yeah. winter, also known as the loser season, brings many things. one of those things is snow.

snow

snow brings snow leopards

snow leopard

which, naturally, brings imminent death.

imminent death

winter also brings constant darkness and cold. these things are terrible and make me want to burrow up inside my warm, comfortable, amazing, queen-sized bed (for all of you snobby manhattanites, living in queens means having space for a queen-sized bed) until spring comes. unfortunately, this is not an option as i have to be my own bread winner.




because challah doesn't grow on trees, i have to get out of my bed and venture into the cold. granted, i probably would be less cold (warmer, perhaps?) if i would wear a coat. but coats are for people who don't want to complain about the cold, and when have i not wanted to complain about something?

let me pause here to write a little bit about cold. i don't like cold. i don't like it at all. first of all, it's cold. secondly, it permeates my very soul and makes me shiver convulsively. this makes me look even more pathetic than usual, which means fewer people fear me. and i need to be feared! lastly, cold makes my nose red, which makes me look drunk, and that doesn't bode well for my argument that i'm not an alcoholic (although i may be partaking of some delicious raspberry sparkletini at this very moment. and i may be drinking it straight from the bottle. ahem.), plus it makes my rants seem crazier than they are when people think i'm drunk. all because of my cold-red nose. therefore, cold sucks. (it sucks even more when it is windy. which simultaneously blows. take THAT logic!)

because it is so cold and i have to leave my bed, i have decided that what i need is a human space heater. ideally, this person would be in my bed before i got in it, so it would already be warm. plus, and this is the best part, i would have a cuddle buddy to chase away those winter depressions. how great is this idea?

the problem is that i'm lazy. evan palindrome pointed out that this is probably not one of those things you want to go to craigslist for. roommates? sure. bookshelves? i can never get enough of those. but how would the ad look for a cuddle buddy (henceforth referred to as "cuddle bunny" because it sounds cuter)?

WANTED for cold winter nights:

could get a little sketchy. so...yeah. it's problematic because i would LOVE a cuddle bunny, but most of my friends live far away and/or have to wake up early. and while eeyore is a lovely bedside companion, as he never snores, steals the covers, or drools on my pillows, he doesn't actually emit body heat.

mar-mar keeps "generously" trying to give freddy vs. jason to me, but, as a recall, he's not so cuddly. plus, he used to punch me in my eye with his little paw, so i don't think he'd really fulfill my cuddle bunny needs. and, you know, he's a cat, which makes him neither bunny nor human.

really, i am at a loss. so, here's what we're going to do. (and by "we" i mean you.) so "we" are going to find me a cuddle bunny for the winter. oh, how fun! here is my criteria:

warm blooded
willing to come to queens
must be less sketchy than me (since i'm pretty sketchy, this should be relatively easy.)

hm....looks like i'm not that picky. so, this should be easy for you. go, my pretties! go and bring me a cuddle bunny. go!

and be quick about it. i'm friggin' freezing up in this joint.