Absolut-ly Fabulous or A Night with The Gays

last night i went straight from work to an "event." basically, this meant getting trashed on vodka and soda in a retail store while male models stood up on podiums and slowly took off more and more clothing as the night progressed.

needless to say, i was with The Gays. As part of his straight people outreach program (or SPOP), play doh boy decided to take me out with him. i keep trying to tell him that i'm a lesbian but he refuses to believe that anyone would be attracted to women, so he doesn't believe me. regardless, i was excited to finally be invited to go out with The Gays. all of these years of waiting patiently for them to recognize that i'm secretly one of them, and i've finally broken in!

it turns out, The Gays are very judgmental. usually this would bother me. i mean, i was a women's studies minor, and i'm all about not objectifying people and such. maybe it was because they weren't judging women (e.g. me). or maybe it was all the vodka (it goes down faster when you drink it from three straws at once), but i got sucked into it. three drinks in, and i was chatting up a headless mannequin, and i couldn't stop judging her outfit. HELLO! you look stupid. who dressed you, anyway? she was ridiculous. but i did a good job of being smug and superior without being too insulting.

i think we knew it was time to go when it seemed like a good idea to get up on the podiums with the male models (me: "'sokay, mwhy bruthrrrsemmodel"). naturally, we went to get food because:

plus

equals

now, i have to hand it to cosi, when we went stumbling through their glass doors, it was straight into their welcoming arms. both pdb and i have been waiters before, and we both know that drunk people are the worst. perhaps this knowledge is what made us so loud and obnoxious. it was like our right! still, i felt bad. but not bad enough to not demand attention from both Liza ("like liza manelli!" said pdb) and danny every three point five seconds. and to their credit, they were really nice to us and treated us like the incompetents that we were. danny even lovingly built us double straws so we wouldn't have to try to bend forward to drink from a regular length straw. that could have been disastrous for everyone involved.




eventually, after many a trip to the bathroom and making friends with the old man at the next table by hating christmas music, we said good-bye to our chums. it was sad letting them go, but when pdb loudly suggested they come out with us, they were all, like, um, we're working. whatevs. anyway, we had to go continue our night with The Gays.

and that's what we did. i mean, i would recount it all, because it was a TON of fun and it ended with tiredness and good times all around. but, i'm boring myself, and trying to watch futurama at the same time.

and the moral of the story is: The Gays are people, too, and therefore have the right to walk their tiny little dogs wherever they want, have support groups on facebook, get married, and of course, drink a lot of vodka.

the end.

Cookie Walk '07 or Send Me Drugs!

today i woke up with a ginormous headache. this sucked because i don't like pain. i mean, i like to cause psychological and emotional pain, but i'm not a big fan of physical pain. wait, i guess i like to cause that, too. but i don't like to be on the receiving end of any of the aforementioned pains.

so, i woke up reeling with this headache. i stumbled blindly (i suppose i coulda put on my glasses, but meh) into the kitchen where we keep our drugs for such occasions. normally, i don't like to self-medicate, but normally, i am not in any pain, so it would be dumb to take pain relievers.

anyway, i went to get my precious drugs, and i realized that i was down to my final two Tylenol. i was crushed! what do i do? do i take them both at once? do i take one and hope that it gets me through this time so that i have one left for next time? it was horrible, i tell you. horrible!



why do drugs have to be so expensive? i just want to feel good all of the time, or at least feel close enough to homeostasis to pretend that i'm healthy. is that so much to ask? i mean, i realize that the point of analgesics is to mask the pain, and really, that's all that i want.

i just took one. i may need that other little guy before the next time i get to the pharmacy. but it was a rough decision. and, unfortunately, it only did a half-assed job of making me feel groovy. (you know that simon and garfunkel song? feelin' groovy? my dad is thoroughly convinced that this song has nothing to do with drugs. i think that's cute, especially since he's the one who sends my sibs and me a seasonal email outlining which drugs we should take for every occasion.) so, i spent my morning with a dull pain in my head.

maybe it's a tumor.

luckily, there are other ways to self-medicate. this is where cookie walk '07 comes in. i know, you're thinking, erin, that sounds fascinating! is this some sort of do-gooder fundraising event to help small children and puppies spay and neuter adults for the greater good? take all of my money! i say nay(although feel free to send me money....). actually, cookie walk '07 is pretty much how it sounds. shifty-eye scher peer-pressured me into going. i was going to stay here and work day and night until everything got done and i found a cure for AIDS. but debbie was all:





debbie: erin, stop doing work and come eat sugar.

erin: debbie, while i value spending time with you and the others, i simply must get things done. i thank you kindly for extending this invitation to me. sadly, i will have to decline.

debbie: don't be a jerk! you don't have to work. there are five interns in our department. schlepp your workload onto them.

erin: why, debbie, i could never do that! our interns are people, too, and i respect them too much to give them my crappy, mind-numbing, menial tasks, even if there are a ludicrously high number of them and they seem to sit in the basement and have tea parties all day.

debbie: if you don't come i'll break your arms and hurt your loved ones.

erin: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! okay, i'll go! anything to protect my loved ones.

debbie: we'll meet at 12:15 PM

now, i must admit that, although i was working very hard, the idea of a sugar rush made my cheeks flush. my headache never completely subsided, and this seemed like the perfect way to distract from it. (sure, i could drink water, but where's the fun in that? plus, it's bad for the environment to drink water and good for the environment to eat cookies.)

so, we walked what turned out to be forty miles to get to levain bakery all the way on the other side of the park. it was far. and i was cold because i didn't wear my coat (because i'm five and didn't feel like it). all of this would have made the delicious, delicious chocolate brioche TOTALLY worth it, had it not started pelting liquid ice (yes, i know what i wrote. it's poetic, dammit!) on us when we started back to the office. we were forced to wait for the bus, and by the time i got back to my desk, i had gone over my hour allotment for lunch. so, i may get fired.

on second thought, the baked good was worth it, as it did manage to take away my headache for a solid hour. of course, it did replace said headache with a stomach ache, as i ate too much too fast. but isn't that what all of those new drugs are about, anyway? taking away pain and replacing it with some other terrible ailment?

all in all, methinks i did the right thing.

WRATH OF GOD or Why Has No One Subscribed to My Blog?

we played mafia last night. because i organized, we had a random assortment of folk including a person i just met at a restaurant (who shall henceforth be referred to as waiter joe), waiter joe's roommate, and prom date jack (who has skipped out on the last six or so proms). for those of you who have not played mafia with the mindells, it is an experience. we are crafty, loud and expressive, and in mafia, that can work for us. or against us. there actually is no real formula. anyway, it's fun and we've decided to play tri-weekly, so if you're interested, it's game on!

last night we instituted a new rule called wrath of god. the way we did it, the narrator would randomly choose a player out of a hat-like object. (it was actually the plastic top of something that looked like a piece from my food processor. mara assures me that my food processor had no involvement in wrath of god.) if someone tries to kill or kick the chosen person (of whom the narrator alone has knowledge) out of town, then the person who led the charges dies when the chosen one goes.

being jewish, i like the idea of wrath of god. it's kinda like the book of job, where god and the devil make a bet over this stand up guy, job. because god loves job so much, god kills off job's entire family, takes away his wealth, his material possessions, probably even his nice, attractive hairline. there is more to the story. something about faith and sticking to god even when god takes everything away (hell, wasn't god the one to give in the first place??), but whatever.

i could also relate the idea of being the chosen one to buffy. but i wouldn't do that....




hm, i don't really remember how this is relevant....

okay, well, let's try this.

while many of my "friends" have told me that they "read" my "blog," i've noticed that none of you are subscribers. this is upsetting. you may not know this, but i'm very hip, and my blog is culturally topical. if you aren't a subscriber, you will miss out on all the cool water cooler talks...


man: hey, did you get that piercing you were talking about?
woman: i TOTALLY subscribe to erin's blog. she is SO cool and also a pivotal part of pop-culture. i recommend everyone be as awesome as me and subscribe as well.
man: you know, that didn't really answer my question.

so as you can see, you should subscribe to my blog to make friends with a blonde woman and/or some guy in a suit.

also, if you don't subscribe, the wrath of god will smite you.

My New Boots or Why I Didn't Do My Job Today

i'm at the bottom of the non-profit ladder here, and because of that, everyone gives me the things that they don't want to do. i know that they all have time to do said things, but instead, they all play scrabulous on facebook. how do i know? i play it too. in fact, this blog is supposed to wean me off of my facebook addiction. i'm like a junkie, i can't stop with the thing!

anyway, one of my many superiors has asked me to make about a cajillion phone calls to different organizations and harrass them into signing up for a program. this wouldn't be so bad if i knew ANYTHING about the program. but i don't. the phone calls go something like this:

me: hello, my i please speak to your educational programmer?

them: (suspiciously) who is this?

me: um, er, erin?


at this point, the dialogue goes one of two ways. either they immediatly decide that i am a telemarketer and transfer me to voicemail, or, miraculously, i get through to someone. the former is better, because if the latter happens, i have NO IDEA what to say to these people. they want information about the program. in case you missed it before, i have NO information.


rather than do that, i decided to go to the park and hula hoop. this activity required MY NEW BOOTS! my new boots require a special color and font because they are awesome.


before i get to "the point," which is a term i, of course, use lightly, i want to talk a little more about MY NEW BOOTS! i have been wanting rain boots for quite some time now. they are awesome looking and i suppose they are functional as well. i mean, if it rains. anyway, i wanted boots, but i was not willing to pay more than $20 for them. how could i justify it? they're rubber, and, really, if i can buy them for that cheap at target.com, then i'm not spending more. the only thing is, target.com never has any that i like in stock. plus, they get reviews that their boots smell bad.


i digress. MY NEW BOOTS! were supposed to be a gift from someone, but i won't name names

but, long story short(ish), i looked high and low for acceptable boots within my self-given price range, but what i found were MY NEW BOOTS! these were NOT twenty bucks. and lest you think i got some deal on them and got them for less than twenty, let me quickly assuage those thoughts. these were more. much more. and therefore my jewish guilt, which is always popping up at the wrong times, would not let me let play doh boy buy them for me. in fact, i wasn't even going to buy them for myself, but when i started dreaming about them, i gave in. hardcore. this isn't the point! the point is that without MY NEW BOOTS! i wouldn't be able to hula hoop in the park on rainyish days, and everyone knows that:

equals me having a much needed break (from my strenuous day of playing scrabulous and not making phone calls that i'm supposed to make). yesterday, this plan worked swimmingly (hoopingly??). but TODAY the worst thing happened. i trudged my way to the park, happily swinging my hoop along the way. smiling to strangers and anticipating the good times to be had. well, when i got to the park, there was a baby in MY spot.

now, i know some of you think i'm selfish. i recognize that talking about my inability to share my ice cream doesn't help my cause. and you might think that a cute little baby should be able to hang out in the middle of a field regardless of if a grown woman wants to hula-hoop. but i don't act like a grown woman, and it was MY spot. MINE! and the baby was probably rabid. it looked like this:

anyway, the point is that tragedy struck and i had to slightly shift my locale. it really threw me off. my hooping wasn't nearly as zen as i'd hoped. and because of that baby, i simply couldn't make those phone calls that i had SO been looking forward to making all day because of emotional distress.

so if michelle (in yellow below) asks, blame it on the baby

Dear Diary or Why I Won't Share My Ice Cream

okay, so, for years my friends have been encouraging me to start a blog. i mean, technically, they have been telling me to stop writing mass emails that nobody cares about and curb my narcissism in a way that would be easier for them to ignore.

regardless, tonight is the night that their dreams come true. yay! yay!

to be honest, i was reading my friend's blog (http://shakeitfool.blogspot.com/) and thought it was hilarious. i wanted to be hilarious, too, so i'm ripping off her blog site, her writing style, and her clever inclusions of pictures like this one:



i want to point out, however, that i did NOT completely rip annie off. for instance, her background is minimal black and mine has some sort of dots. (i may take the dots out, though. i really like her background....) and also, i don't live in san francisco, have friends, or use words larger than two syllables, if i can help it. also, i can't play the piano, but this isn't a damn contest, so quit judging me!

this is the point where everyone should feel sorry for me. that picture up there is actually a picture someone took of me whilst i ran to catch the bus. (i didn't make it.) not only am i the stinky cheese man, but i'm also boring myself. oh, and no one will be my friend because i won't share my ice cream. to be fair, no one in their right mind should want ice cream this time of year. also, this is the best ice cream.

it's very expensive. and i couldn't find it for a couple of weeks, and i panicked because, like the ferret that i am, i like to have a stock pile ready in case of ice cream emergencies. which are many. so, i looked up where to find it, bought forty dollars worth, and now i have extra sitting in my freezer. now, whenever i have house guests over, they think they get to eat it. i have to inform them that this is not the case, and they get snotty about how selfish i am. i don't think this is fair. i would gladly give my life's blood if it could be of use to a loved one (but don't ask me to do so. i spent enough time in haiti that i'm not allowed to give blood for something like two years. buon bagay!), but the ice cream is mine. if you want your own, you can find a retailer near you by clicking here

i'm suddenly reminded of the rainbow fish. remember that little guy? he was really pretty and all of his hideous sea-creature so-called "friends" wanted him to share his scales with them so they could be pretty, too. at first, he was, like, "shit no! what's wrong with you fools?" but then they all stopped playing with him, and he realized that it was better to share and have friends than to be selfish and have none. this story is stupid. in the beginning the rainbow fish looked like this:
isn't he pretty? wouldn't you just give anything to be his friend? now this is what he looks like after he shares his scales:


ew, right? who would want to be friends with THAT?! and you'll notice that he's still alone. why? because his friends took advantage of him, and after they depleted him of his scales, they ditched him because they were then too pretty to be seen with him.

so, basically, i refuse to share my ice cream because i don't want to turn into a terrible drawing by a four-year-old.

and that's why i'm sitting at home. alone.


UPDATE!!!!! by NOT Barret Mindell
I, ANONYMOUS, have broken into Erin's blog (fyi: she uses the same password for everything) so that the world could know the truth about this tyrannical ice cream hoarder! In short, Erin has finished the last of the COMMUNITY ice cream without bartering ANY of her precious Pomegranate Chip. She has amassed the largest, most valuable collection of Ice Cream outside of Haagen Dazs' Reserve! She taunts her guests and teases her roommate with nightly displays of gluttonous delight! But on this night she has gone too far! She has finished the vanilla bean, and left the freezer full of only her "do not touch" pints (and one other "Sharon's" pint but it's old and not very good anyway)! She leaves her brother without- he cries himself to sleep many nights... I imagine. I am not him. I am anonymous.
Do not offer her sympathy! Do not offer her understanding! Instead, direct all your pity to me, her anonymous roommate!
-ANON.