Dirty Fingernails or What the What?!

i was in san francisco today, in a large group of people, trying to side-step puddles when, suddenly, a homeless man shouted

hey! blondie!

and ruffled my hair as i went passing by.

joke was on him, though. i'm not really blonde.

What's that Smell? Or A Brief Conversation with Disheveled British Guy

so, my dad called me last night, just to tell me that he's caught up on my blog. yes, this blog, the one i haven't updated for months. he just caught up....

anyway, i suppose i shouldn't say that's the only reason he called. he also called to berate me for failing on my six month goal to produce any substantial writing. what can i say, he's supportive....

so. dad has inspired me to publish the most substantial thing i could think of (or, you know, saph could think of, since she suggested this post), which was this deep, intellectual, and provoking conversation i had recently with disheveled british guy. remember him? well, he's still here, he's still british, and still very much disheveled. 

enjoy.

me: hello! how's it going? i hear you got a dog.

dbg: 'ello, erin! yes, yes, i got a dog. on a whim, really, i was a little bit drunk at the time.

me: oh! um...what kind of dog is it?

dbg: it's a puggle.

me: that's so cute! what did you name him?

dbg: (pause) puggle.

me: oh, um, that's....so do you like having a dog?

dbg: yeah, yeah....it turns out, dogs are a lot of work. i have to take care of him. every day. like, feed him and take him out. he's making me more responsible, though, so that's good, i suppose.

me: that's...good....

(pause)

me: ok, well, see ya!

dbg: bye!

deep, right?!

Dumping the Penal System or On the Lam

dear gloria,

wow, i thought maybe you'd get the hint. i mean, we've been going through this for over a year now, and i keep putting you off. i thought eventually you would realize that i'm not interested, that, in fact "out of the country" is just an excuse to not have to come in and see you. 

you're really persistent, and i appreciate that, i do. but, the thing is, we're just so different. you're a signature in black ink telling me to do things i don't want to do, and i'm a person with a job who doesn't have time to go to jamaica to tell you this in person.

i know you really want to see me. frankly, though, i'm very popular, and a lot of people want to see me. this bullying technique you've got going on, running up to big brother and tattling is beneath you. 

i know we've had some good times. you've been after me since i moved to this fair borough of queens. and it's not that i don't want to help you out, i do. it's just....the timing is all wrong. i hope you understand. i mean, really, though, i'm no good for you. i'm some sort of racially, age, and gender ambiguous ten-twenty-or possibly forty-something, and i'd just confuse you in the end. 

but, you seem intent on making me dump you to your face. i wish it didn't have to come to this, but....well, you leave me no choice, ms. d'amico. 

things could've been so different....

Am I Still Alive or Zombie Jesus, is That You?

many people (three at most) have missed my blogging, and have spent much of the past two months wondering what happened to me, and why for i am not blogging. 

some possibilities that they've come up with are:

1.  i got really busy and popular and no longer have time for virtual fans (due to so many actual fans).

2. i'm working diligently on my six month goal(s) and didn't want to update the blog until i could speak of victory on this front.

3. i died.

4. i found jesus.

5. i found zombie jesus, and he killed me.

6. i decided to fulfill my dream and become a pirate.

6.5 while pirating, zombie jesus took over my boat and forced me to sing and dance in large group numbers on the deck until i went mad.

7. i took a vow of silence, and took the broad approach of applying that to "computer speak," as we all know i call blogging.

8. i went to the aids walk early to make sure that i didn't miss it, and now that it's over, i'm back.

well, since you asked, it was number 3. i died. thanks for not coming to my funeral. jerk.

Brunch with the Marrieds or Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

this morning i got up at 5 AM to egg the chickens. 

no yolk.

(don't blame me. married one encouraged me, and that's what you get from someone who brags about watching star trek the next generation and is trying to bring back the phrase "what with the"....)

i've decided that now when people ask me about growing up in kansas, i'm going to tell them that instead of tipping cows, we egged chickens. who knows? maybe it'll catch on and kansans will actually decide that egging chickens is a better pastime than drinking alcohol from 44 oz. sonic styrofoam cups in parking lots. of course, there are a lot more sonics, cups and parking lots in kansas, than eggs.  at least in topeka. 

Approaching the Line or My New Boots Take on a Goal

we're fast approaching the forced six month goal line, and i am realizing a couple of things.but first,  since i never revealed the winning ideas of what my goal would be, let me do that now.

you all regaled me with terrible, terrible ideas, but somehow from the carnage arose a goal that quite suits me. i'm going to complete some sort of written something substantial (of length, not content) by july. as you can see, i'm off to a good start with that thought-out and sensical previous sentence. 

anyway, i haven't entirely started actually writing. yet. but i've pondered quietly, pontificated aloud, and otherwise made known to myself and the world at large that i shall somehow complete this goal. 

so, this morning, i realized somethings re: goals:

1. i never got my twelve dollars and fifty cents that my brother owes me for his failure to quit smoking a year ago. maybe i should add interest?

2. i have nothing to write about. 

you might say, but erin, you blog, so obviously you have *something* to write about. i am hesitant to reveal this, BUT, bigger things are at stake here, so....ready? my blog isn't actually about anything. i know, it's shocking. i'm so good at faking it, but no, aside from MY NEW BOOTS (i wore them today, y'all), i have very little content there. here. whatever, the point is, i've got no ideas. or discipline. or style. or any of the things one needs to complete a substantial piece of whatever i said before. i'm too lazy to scroll up and have a look-see. this sent me into a tailspin of panic. how the hell am i supposed to write something if i don't have anything to say?

well, right before i hit the ocean of disparity and failure with bone-breaking force, i happened upon the parachute of realization three:

3. whenever i've come across tough circumstances, i've always gotten through them. how? well, by accomplishing realization four:

4. i'm really good at bullying other people into doing my bidding.

this is really great news! you see, i can complete a substantial piece of written work without actually writing at all! i'll just make YOU do it. i think the best way to accomplish this is to have you write some words. preferably in some semblance of order or with meaning. i will take the hodge-podge and mold it into something usable. i will then tack my name on it and pass it off as my own.

here, i'll get you started with some content. you could write about:

a. goats (free our goats!)

b. quitting smoking

c. not quitting smoking

d. smoked sausages

e. the economy 

f. that time you walked in on jesus wearing a tutu and putting on red lipstick 

i don't want you thinking this will be easy for me. i will have to use the full powers of my emotional, mental, and physically abusive abilities in order to get enough pages to accomplish my goal. but, you know, no one ever said it was going to be easy. 

so get to work, you slackers.

A New Chapter or The Giving Bear

it was brought to my attention that i spent so much time thinking of the goats (free our goats!) that i failed to mention the director of photography for my latest film. and while he was a little upset, he graciously decided that what was more important was the fate of those imprisoned goats, and that he need not steal the glory from them.

beautiful.

and to show my appreciation for him and his awesomeness, i present you with this original work, dedicated to that valiant soul:

the giving bear
by erin

once there was a bear....



and he loved a little boy.



and every day the boy would come...

and he would swim with the bear...


and they would catch fish to eat...


and the boy would rest in the bear's soft fur as the shade fell over them.


and the boy loved the bear...


days turned into weeks and years, and eventually the little boy began to grow...



and the bear said,

come boy! come swim with me and catch fish and rest in my fur, and we will be happy.

but the boy said,

i'm too old for that now. what i really want is a girlfriend to make me happy. and a home for a wife. and also some money, and a boat so that i can travel the world.

and so the bear ate the boy for being a shitty little brat.



and the bear was happy.

THE END

Cannibalistic Computer or It's a Miracle! The Movie

so, i have this really old computer (circa 2003, like whoa) that ate a whole bunch of things off the hard drive eons ago. things like calculator, paint, and spider solitaire (i know, it's really sad and a little cannibalistic....)

anyway, i was on said computer a couple of nights ago, and out of nowhere, it started regurgitating some of these things that disappeared years earlier. it was like a miracle:

one of the things it barfed up was this video i had made in like 2005 while visiting saph. we watched it, and oh. my. god. it was AWESOME.

basically, i'm a cinematographic genius. that's right. 

would you like to see it?

you would?

too bad. unfortunately, it stars my lying bastard of an ex-boyfriend, and i don't want to give him any notoriety. also, it mentions my last name several times, and even though becky is trying to make it really easy to internet stalk everyone in her life, i'm at least putting on the appearance that i'm not so findable. 

lucky for you, my computer also generously returned my movie maker, so after nabbing one generous backer (thanks, dave!), i was able to produce another fabulous movie that i can show you. 

BEHOLD!

i will take your praise and money now. thank you.

still no word on the missing calculator. let me know if you find it. until then, i'm stuck counting on my fingers.

Our Newest Cause or Injustice for All

so, last night after watching kung fu panda, (a film that i highly recommend--it's poignant, it's witty, it's touching. and i really identified with that panda). barret, adam and i made a shocking discovery.

evidentally, there are literally dozens (dozens!) of goats in jail.

behold!

there was a goat arrested in alabama for possibly damaging a mercedes.



then there was the goat in nigeria who attempted armed robbery, but was stopped by a group of vigilantes.


upon coming across such news, we were all shocked and appalled that such grave injustices are out there in the world. it's just not fair! why are goats being, er, scapegoated for things? it's just too obvious! and tragic!

so, we're on a mission. we are forming a group, called free our goats:



FOG is on a mission to free the goats of the world from their unjust plight.

remember, none of us are free until every goat is free! and you can help. look for us on facebook.


UPDATE: Due to FOG's diligence, we have already scored a win for the goats:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7607460.stm

FREE OUR GOATS!

Martin Luther King Jr. is my Hero or a Day of Self-Reflection

i have the day off today, for mlk day, which basically just means that i'm still in my pajamas. but while wandering around the kitchen, talking to the animals, i got to thinking about something mikey said...

mikey: blah, blah, blah holidays about reflection...

ok, i wasn't listening entirely, but the main point (in my recollection) was that it's good to reflect on life and whatnot. so i said to taylor, i said,

taytay, we should probably do some pondering on life. what is it that we want? what should we do to better ourselves and the world around us, preferrably without leaving the apartment since i'm still in my pajamas? what, taylor? stop eating paper and listen to me! this is important!

after much tissue eating and meditation, i finally came up with something that i think is bordering on monumental:

i'm going to quit my job to be able to stay at home and watch ellen.

it may not seem like a lot of thought went into this, but it did! i swear! you see, i was sitting on my couch thinking about changes i want to make in my life when i decided that the best way to start my betterment process is to be well-read. so i went into my bedroom to grab one hundred years of solitude (the book, not the concept).

but before i could begin reading, i discovered that i was thirsty, so i went to get some water from the kitchen.

once there, i noticed some old food that had gone stale, and i decided i should probably do some cleaning of the pantries and whatnot.

while i was going through the fridge, feeling intimidated, the doorbell rang, so i went downstairs to see who was there. it was a package for chris, which i then brought upstairs and put on the coffee table.

i noticed it was snowing and realized the perfect activity for a snowy day would be to read my book.

so i then went back to my room to get my book, and i realized how dark it is in my room. not at all good for the eyes when you're reading. what's perfect for doing in dark rooms, in fact, isn't reading at all, it's napping.

so i went to mara's and chris's room (which we all know is where i go for naps), and was going to lay down, when i realized that they have some channels on their tv.

i turned it on, and flipped through judge shows and family feud before i saw that ellen was on.

and you know what? ellen is super funny. she actually made me laugh out loud, which was just crazy-awesome.

and i realized that laughter is the key to life. i need to be laughing more and talking to animals less.

clearly, the way to make this happen is to quit my job so that i can be at home to watch ellen.

so, basically, mikey has encouraged me to make the world a better place by quitting my job and sitting at home in my pjs. i think it's a noble cause.

oh, and taylor didn't come up with anything. apparently martin luther king, jr. means nothing to her. hmph.